Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Where is my son?

 After David died I began to write and write. Here are some words of despair.

Where is my son? What happened? How can David die? Why did he die? What is death all about? I am tired of all these mysteries. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of no answers. I am tired of everything. The routines of daily chores are boring. I want more. I do not know what I want. I do not know anything. I am lost. I am in the pit. I am in hell. I have no friends. I have nobody who understands. I do not understand. Why should I expect others to understand? This is senseless. I am tired of philosophizing so that I can survive. Why do I have to struggle everyday so that I can survive? Will I ever be able to live again as before? Will I be able to overcome the pain? There is no pain like this pain. It cannot be described. No one can feel it. No one knows that I am hurting as they cannot see it. It is only known by God. It is hidden in my soul and my heart. People tell me that I should be thankful that I had David for 30 years. These are people who have children who have not died. These are people who are in their seventies and who have lived long lives. These are people who had a smooth sailing all along. I wonder if they will be thankful if this happened to them. I wonder if they could say such a thing to anyone if they had experienced such a loss. I wonder if they can imagine such a loss!!!

Sunday, August 5, 2018


I wrote this 5 years after David died. It took me 9 years before I became somewhat sane.

I feel down again. I am in tears. I do not know what to do. I do not want to live like this. I want what I had. I cannot accept life without David. I am furious. I am mad. I am angry. I am broken. I am beside myself. I am devastated. I am hurt. I am wounded. I am bleeding. I am dying. I am not me. I do not know who I am. I am nobody. I am nothing. I am less than nothing. I am empty. I am void. I am not ready to start all over. I am tired of trying to overcome this pain. I am tired of everything. I cannot face the days any longer. I am bored with life. I am sooooooooooooooo sad. I am so unhappy. I am so tired of pretending. I am ready for something miraculous to happen. There are no miracles. I am without faith right now. I do not know how to pray anymore. I do not know how to hope anymore. I do not understand what I have written all this time. There is no meaning to anything anymore. 

Saturday, August 4, 2018

You are hurting

You are hurting, but try to make the best of life and help others. Although you wonder and grieve about the past, do not allow it to ruin the present.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Day by Day Living

My heart is full of sorrow. I often think that I could live a better life if David had not died. I wonder what it would be like if I could live life over again or if I could start fresh with the knowledge that I have now. I look back with regret and wonder if I could have done something to prevent losing David. Yet the new life is all around me. Every day is a new life. Every dawn is a new day. Every morning is a new existence. It is a new chance to live life to the fullest.

In order to live a new life, I need day to day living. I seek to live that day and each hour and each moment as if it were all time and all eternity. Each day living will remove living in the past or the future. I will make each day a new beginning.