Monday, November 19, 2018
When it comes down to it, the loss is great and is forever. No matter what anyone says, it is the saddest thing that happened to us. Losing David is devastating. I miss him more and more as time goes by. I try to go on with my life, but this is not the life I knew before. It has a big piece missing from it. There will always be a gap and a hole that no one else can fill. I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I did not have to go through this pain and agony. I wish that I could be restored to the same level as before the loss. Yet how could this be? There is no way that I could go back to what used to be. I miss his person. I miss everything about him. I miss his voice and hugs. I am tearing as I write these words. Why do I continue to feel such pain?
Friday, August 31, 2018
As time goes on, I realize that there is a whole new world that surrounds me. Yet despite my stubborn attitude to hold onto my past, my pain and my sorrow, I changed as my world changed. At times, I see a gentle world rather than a cruel one. As the days go on, my deep love towards my son David, my loyalty towards him continues to bring tears to my eyes. I feel a new pain when I embrace life as if I have been disloyal to my son, as if I have accepted his loss and I feel guilty. When a moment of happiness occurs I also feel guilty. Yet I think that I am depriving myself of certain joys that I deserve after all the pain and sorrow that I have endured and that I continue to feel.
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Since David died, I have been asked many times “How do you do it?” Those who ask me even add, “I do not think that I could do it” I usually do not attempt to answer the question and simply talk about something else. Sometimes they add, “You are strong, I could not do it if it were me”. They give me the feeling that they love their children more than I love mine.
I just walk from room to room, look at his pictures, and touch each one. I touch his colorful hat that I have placed in the kitchen. I then touch the walls that he painted. I water the plants that he left behind. I hug myself pretending that I am hugging him. I talk to him. I see him in everything. I listen to his music, which makes me feel closer to him. I see his love everywhere. It follows me as I go from one thing to the next.