As time goes on, I realize that there is a whole new world that surrounds me. Yet despite my stubborn attitude to hold onto my past, my pain and my sorrow, I changed as my world changed. At times, I see a gentle world rather than a cruel one. As the days go on, my deep love towards my son David, my loyalty towards him continues to bring tears to my eyes. I feel a new pain when I embrace life as if I have been disloyal to my son, as if I have accepted his loss and I feel guilty. When a moment of happiness occurs I also feel guilty. Yet I think that I am depriving myself of certain joys that I deserve after all the pain and sorrow that I have endured and that I continue to feel.