As time goes on, I realize that there is a whole new world that surrounds me. Yet despite my stubborn attitude to hold onto my past, my pain and my sorrow, I changed as my world changed. At times, I see a gentle world rather than a cruel one. As the days go on, my deep love towards my son David, my loyalty towards him continues to bring tears to my eyes. I feel a new pain when I embrace life as if I have been disloyal to my son, as if I have accepted his loss and I feel guilty. When a moment of happiness occurs I also feel guilty. Yet I think that I am depriving myself of certain joys that I deserve after all the pain and sorrow that I have endured and that I continue to feel.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Since David died, I have been asked many times “How do you do it?” Those who ask me even add, “I do not think that I could do it” I usually do not attempt to answer the question and simply talk about something else. Sometimes they add, “You are strong, I could not do it if it were me”. They give me the feeling that they love their children more than I love mine.
I just walk from room to room, look at his pictures, and touch each one. I touch his colorful hat that I have placed in the kitchen. I then touch the walls that he painted. I water the plants that he left behind. I hug myself pretending that I am hugging him. I talk to him. I see him in everything. I listen to his music, which makes me feel closer to him. I see his love everywhere. It follows me as I go from one thing to the next.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
After David died I began to write and write. Here are some words of despair.
Where is my son? What happened? How can David die? Why did he die? What is death all about? I am tired of all these mysteries. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of no answers. I am tired of everything. The routines of daily chores are boring. I want more. I do not know what I want. I do not know anything. I am lost. I am in the pit. I am in hell. I have no friends. I have nobody who understands. I do not understand. Why should I expect others to understand? This is senseless. I am tired of philosophizing so that I can survive. Why do I have to struggle everyday so that I can survive? Will I ever be able to live again as before? Will I be able to overcome the pain? There is no pain like this pain. It cannot be described. No one can feel it. No one knows that I am hurting as they cannot see it. It is only known by God. It is hidden in my soul and my heart. People tell me that I should be thankful that I had David for 30 years. These are people who have children who have not died. These are people who are in their seventies and who have lived long lives. These are people who had a smooth sailing all along. I wonder if they will be thankful if this happened to them. I wonder if they could say such a thing to anyone if they had experienced such a loss. I wonder if they can imagine such a loss!!!