Thoughts and Feelings over the Loss
By Leila Koepp
I wrote this a year and two months after David died.
It is cold and cloudy. I did not have a good night. I woke up several times with David on my mind. I kept thinking that I am determined to keep him alive. In my heart he will thrive and thus death will be conquered that way. Death is awful and disgusting especially when a young person is taken away. I never looked at death so closely before. I took it for granted as the norm. When David died everything normal became abnormal. Chaos entered my life. The whole world changed. I changed and the people I know changed. They became elusive and strange. When I needed support they were not there for me.
I am learning many hard lessons through this tragedy. It is the biggest and most devastating experience of my life. I feel so sick so many times. My guts especially have a continual anxious and butterfly feeling. It is so uncomfortable and so annoying. I do not know when I will return back to being me again. I do not know who I am now. I do not know what I want to be. I do not know if I want to be anything. At school students have been very supportive. They seem to care. They try to make me feel better. The depth of sorrow is with me in the classroom. It is with me wherever I go. A minor incident could set me off and I cry relentlessly. The tears will forever flow.
When I garden, I remember how he used to help me pluck the weeds. My tears are falling now as I write these words. I can’t stand it anymore. I wish that things were different. I for some reason cannot accept what happened. I cannot live my life without David. I am experiencing gut wrenching pain at the moment. I don’t know how to escape this pain. I never realized how many people have suffered like this in the past. They survived. Are they ever as happy as before? I do not know. I cannot know. I will never know. I just have to wish my days away, till we meet again
My emotions ebb and flow. One day I wake up fine and as the day progresses, my sorrow builds up and then I go crazy, yell, scream and cry my heart out. Other days I wake up in tears and cry before I can get anything done. Yesterday I was a mess. I cried all the way to school. Today I saw a small jet going up and up into the sky so far that it could reach the crescent moon that was still visible in the daytime. I longed to be on that jet and imagined myself going up to see David. I never realized how deep the bond is between us. I keep questioning the loss and why God allowed David to leave us so young. Yet at the same time I do not understand why God takes other young people who would have impacted the world in a great positive way as well. “Every man dies” keeps ringing in my ears. I cannot forget that God is faithful even though my anger blinds me at times. A student left me a sweet note after the final “I am deeply sorry for your loss; I can only imagine what you are going through. Just know that he is with God, a better place”. That caused the tears to flow again. Tears for David will never dry.