My Angel Collection

After losing my son David, I started collecting angels. I am putting some of these angels for you to see. Of course I consider my son as my angel.

They Said

My brother, Dr. Salim Haddad, wrote this poem after he lost his dear wife. Much of what he wrote I can relate to regarding the loss of my son David.

THEY SAID
 

They said, time heals, you will forget
That distant moment when you met
And walked upon the heavenly road
Without fear, without regret.

For she was like the morning dew:
Lingered a while and then withdrew
And she was like a long tale told
Till the dark fog hid her from view.

Then others said, the hurt will go,
As for when, you alone will know
Within a few seasons that pass
When farmers plough and reap and sow.

Yet others said, life must go on;
Journeys proceed when one is gone
Or dropped out from the long march home:
The fate of all when all is done.

Some said, she went to a safe place,
Much better than we all must face,
More happy than when here on earth,
With no pain or fear to embrace.

Others said, she went to her Lord,
The sure promise of His true word
That He will take His own to Him
In whatever method or mode.

But I still hurt and remember
Her last breath breathed that September,
The splendid days I was with her:
Light of my life, glowing ember.

Questions with no Answers

The other day I decided to read some of the diary notes that I have written and I realized that there were many questions that I have asked with no attempt to answer them as there are no answers. Below is a list of some of these questions. Maybe you might have some answers.

Why did it have to be this way? Why didn’t things work out differently? Why did I get this outcome instead of another outcome?

How could this be? Where is he? Will I hug him again?

What happened? How could this have really happened? Can I change what happened? Why did this happen?

Will I live again? How can I just live again and enjoy life? Will I feel the way I felt before David died? When will that happen? Who knows?

Do I appreciate the fact that I am alive? Do I cherish life? Why do I continue to want to die? Do I continue to go on?

Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I feel whole again? Will I be whole again? Do I want to be whole again?

Why? Why? Why?

What mother does not worry about her child? How could one child consume me so much? Why can’t I put David to rest and let him sleep in peace? Is it just me for not wanting to let go? Or is this so real?

Is there an escape? How can I turn things around?

Why can’t I just go on with what is left?

Why am I not consoled even though there is eternal life? What is it that I believed in or believe in?

Why should I plan for tomorrow? Why do we struggle so much and for what?

Why did I lose David? How could David be here one day and now he is not here?

Can I live my life with a broken heart and enjoy life at the same time?

Why is it that people know the answers and I do not seem to have a clue? How can anyone judge any other person?

How can I do what others tell me when my whole being is saying and feeling otherwise?

What would my life be like had David not died?

Why can’t I be satisfied with the infinite God? Why can’t I yield and trust? Why can’t I allow Him to fill my life with peace and joy?

Why do I continue to feel so alone?

How about all the people who use drugs and do not die? How could he die?

How can I accept this loss? How could life be so harsh?

What good does grief do me? What will be left if I lose my grief?

As The Years Go By

As the years go by after losing David, I sense resentment on the part of some at the fact that I have this deep sadness. They want me to be happy. They want me to go on as if David never existed. They want me to move away in order to get rid of the things that remind me of him. Don’t they know that I want to remember him at all times? I want to be reminded of all that we shared together. I want to memorize every detail of our past. It is so important to me. I memorized his face. His words keep ringing in my ears. I hear him talking to me. I actually do talk to him. I carry him in my heart everywhere I go.

The People That I appreciated The Most

Since David died I have had so many cruel remarks and explanations as to why I feel the way I do. I personally do not have a clue but many people had all the answers and solutions to my loss. They think that they can fix what can never be fixed.

It is the people who did not try to enter into my feelings and did not offer me false comfort or false solutions that I appreciated the most. They did not tell me that I need to take something to feel better. They did not tell me that I need to see a therapist. They did not tell me that I need to have more faith. They did not tell me that I need to read my Bible more. They did not tell me that they feel my pain. They did not tell me that life goes on. They did not tell me to be thankful that I had David for 30 years. They did not tell me to be thankful for the memories. They did not tell me that he is in a better place. They did not tell me that it is the will of God. They did not tell me that I am strong. They did not tell me that I should not live in the past. They did not ask me if I had other children. They did not ask me how he died. These are the people who did not invade my privacy but stood at the periphery respecting me and my journey through the path of grief and sorrow. They encouraged me just by listening to me or giving me a hug, knowing full well that they were as powerless as I was.

The Hawk

When David died my husband began to associate the sighting of a hawk as a sign for seeing David. He would sit on the deck and look at the sky and say: “Talk to me David, talk to me”. Often a hawk would come by, do a fly by and then leave, and he would feel consoled as if David gave him a sign that he was safe. I then began to associate the hawk with David as well. Many times whenever I think of him, I see a hawk either flying or perched on a tree. 

Many times the hawk appears when I am making a major decision as if David is reassuring me that I made the right call. The other day I went to see a friend of mine whom I have not seen for a long time. The minute I arrived as her house a big hawk came flying by and perched on a light post. This is what I captured. He stayed there for a long time and then he took off.

The hawk has become our sign for David. We look and search for hawks whenever we drive and wherever we are. We gaze at the hawk until he disappears. Often the hawk flies close by and circles around for a long time and I just gaze and gaze in awe at the beauty of such a creature and long for my son as I look upwards towards

the sky. 

Wishes

Why is it that I cannot describe what I am feeling? Now that the weather is getting beautiful and spring time is arriving I seem to be more emotional and more sad. I am really surprised that the pain has not subsided but seems to reemerge at a constant frequency. I cannot fathom the absence and the loss of David. I still cannot believe that he really died. I hate everything. I do not want to go on at times. I still scream and wail quite a bit. I go through periods of despair. I often want to give up on everything and then I reconnect and get busy doing this and that in order to get distracted from the void and the loss. I seem to have difficulty agreeing with anyone as to how I should feel or what to do and how to live.

 I wish that I was not one of those unlucky mothers who had to bury her lovely son. I wish that my life was more docile and quiet. I wish that my soul was less restless. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could see a reason for losing David. I wish that my life was not so bitter. I wish that my heart would heal. I wish that my soul would be filled with joy again.  I wish that my world was not altered so drastically. I wish that I could talk to David and hear his voice. I wish that we would hug again. I wish that we could sit on the deck together and converse as before. I wish that I could see him driving on the streets as before. I wish that he would make me a pizza as he used to.  I wish that I could die at times and yet I want to live at other times. I wish that I could wish the pain away. I wish that I could have something that would cure me from my sad feelings and would restore me to what I used to be before losing David.

 Nothing is going to fulfill any of these wishes. I will go on wishing my life away. Then I think that it is so stupid to grieve. It is not going to change anything. Yet, I cannot help myself. My whole being is revolting. I would be so much better off if I just accept what happened and go on with my life. Yet what happened is unacceptable to me. I thought that children buried their parents and not the other way around. This is backwards. It is against nature. My daughter Melanie always says to me “mom, it is what it is”. She is right, but I wish that “it isn’t what it is”.