I cannot explain my grief. It is a mystery to me. Grief happens. I do not plan to cry or not to cry. My soul gets overwhelmed and is very heavy and then the tears flow like rivers of water. There is no planning, there is no expectation, only subtle vibes that fill my soul with memories and lead to crying. The experiences that I have are unspeakable. At times my life is a living death and yet I was able to climb out of the pit and to make it. I still do not understand how I was able to survive. Maybe it is because God knows who I am and is touched by my sorrow and pain. I found my way by groping in the dark. I had to experience and go through the grief. Part of me wants to continue to grieve and part of me wants to embrace life. I feel that I am somewhere between heaven and earth. This is because I have treasures in both places and "where your treasure is there your heart is also".