I Look For Him

I look for him among the flowers when I garden. I look for him in my kitchen and when I am sitting by the fire place. I look for him at every celebration and when family gathers at special occasions. I look for him while driving the streets where he used to be. I look for him when I see a German shepherd go by. I look for him when I hear one of his favorite songs or when I see someone play the guitar. I look for him among young people who are so much alive. I look for him when I gaze upon the sky.  I look for him when I watch the sunset over the sea. I look for him at daybreak when the sky turns to fire and the dawn arrives. I look for him in the moon and the stars. I look for him in the different hues of the clouds which allow me to gaze upwards for a long time longing to reach him. I look for him when I see a butterfly come by and when a bird sings. I see his reflection in many things and sometimes want to grasp him, but I realize it is not he.

Sometimes when I drive looking for him I see his sudden image and vivid likeness in someone else.  Sometimes I see a garment worn by others on the street, or notice a gesture in someone else, which startles me to tears. I cannot find him and yet I continue to look for him. I realize that I lost him and my joy was lost with him and has never come back to me. However I continue to pursue some hopeless hope that I will find him again. Yet not on this earth as he is nowhere to be found.

I cannot reach him. I cannot touch him, though he seems so near at times. He on the other hand has touched my life and has changed it. There is a veil that separates us and darkness always comes between us. My words are helpless and obscure and can never clarify my desires and my thinking, but I continue attempting to describe my yearning towards my son. It was happiness to have him near and I cannot understand how he could go and leave me loaded down with sorrow and pain. I realize that because I love so much, I suffer so much. I therefore have developed a longing for the unseen and the eternal.

My passion for him and my pierced heart will forever continue to seek him. Yet silence surrounds me and I often wake up in the night and weep. So as I journey along life’s paths, I seem to feel as an alien among the crowds. I move alone from place to place and carry my lonely heart along with me. I am often drawn to nature hoping to find my lost treasure there.

After the day’s exhaustion I embrace sleep as a gift supreme that restores me to face another day without him.