I Look For Him

I look for him among the flowers when I garden. I look for him in my kitchen and when I am sitting by the fire place. I look for him at every celebration and when family gathers at special occasions. I look for him while driving the streets where he used to be. I look for him when I see a German shepherd go by. I look for him when I hear one of his favorite songs or when I see someone play the guitar. I look for him among young people who are so much alive. I look for him when I gaze upon the sky.  I look for him when I watch the sunset over the sea. I look for him at daybreak when the sky turns to fire and the dawn arrives. I look for him in the moon and the stars. I look for him in the different hues of the clouds which allow me to gaze upwards for a long time longing to reach him. I look for him when I see a butterfly come by and when a bird sings. I see his reflection in many things and sometimes want to grasp him, but I realize it is not he.

Sometimes when I drive looking for him I see his sudden image and vivid likeness in someone else.  Sometimes I see a garment worn by others on the street, or notice a gesture in someone else, which startles me to tears. I cannot find him and yet I continue to look for him. I realize that I lost him and my joy was lost with him and has never come back to me. However I continue to pursue some hopeless hope that I will find him again. Yet not on this earth as he is nowhere to be found.

I cannot reach him. I cannot touch him, though he seems so near at times. He on the other hand has touched my life and has changed it. There is a veil that separates us and darkness always comes between us. My words are helpless and obscure and can never clarify my desires and my thinking, but I continue attempting to describe my yearning towards my son. It was happiness to have him near and I cannot understand how he could go and leave me loaded down with sorrow and pain. I realize that because I love so much, I suffer so much. I therefore have developed a longing for the unseen and the eternal.

My passion for him and my pierced heart will forever continue to seek him. Yet silence surrounds me and I often wake up in the night and weep. So as I journey along life’s paths, I seem to feel as an alien among the crowds. I move alone from place to place and carry my lonely heart along with me. I am often drawn to nature hoping to find my lost treasure there.

After the day’s exhaustion I embrace sleep as a gift supreme that restores me to face another day without him.

To All Those Who Have Mourned a Child

I have a special tenderness and affection for all sufferers especially those who have lost a child. Many look at our grief as prolonged and they get accustomed to it. Therefore they do not seem to care anymore as before or to console further. I am sure that many of you experience this type of resentment by so many who have not experienced such a loss. They do not realize that this type of sorrow is constantly with us.

I was told by many that time will soften my grief. The grief is not gentle or soft as they say, but I have learned to endure it as time goes by.  Love and loss go hand in hand. Because of my great love for my son I experience profound affliction. Around me everything is void as all I want is his presence. There is so much pain behind my smiling countenance. No one understands the weight of grief that I experience. Yet I believe in immortality without which there is no future.

I believe that we are great. Our greatness can be gauged by our sympathy. My heart goes out to all those who lost a child. I feel that I am one of them and therefore can comprehend them. I put myself in their place and know why they think the way they do and why they do the things that they do. I put myself in their place and instead of blaming them, I feel sorry for them. My knowledge of their loss is based on my loss.

I see all this as a great and profound subject that is limitless in extent and that guides me to live in a sphere of conscious caring and feeling for others. When I am with grieving parents I feel their presence and acknowledge their superiority to others as they have been educated by the loss.

Spring

I was attending a meeting of the faculty when I was inspired to write this poem. I penned it in two minutes and did not care whether it rhymed or not. It speaks of how I feel. People ask me as to why I am sad. I answer “Don’t you know it is spring?”

Spring is coming soon after the long winter gloom.

Trees are budding and flowers are blooming.

My heart is aching as everything reminds me of life,

Yet my son is not here to enjoy the beauty of it.

How can I go on and have a merry heart?

When death surrounds me instead of life and that smarts.

Tears continue to water the flowers as I till his garden.

My heart skips a beat each time I realize

My son was cut off in the spring of his life.

Bereaved Parents Response to Topics in Grief

"A huge thank you to Leila Koepp for expressing how I think a lot of us really feel. I feel like copying 'How are you feeling today?' and handing it out to everyone I know. I think the gut wrenching truth of it was beautiful because of its pure honesty." Melody

"I have learned from Leila that we should not hide our grief but to open up and speak. This is the best remedy for healing." Twila

The story that touched my heart and made me cry and understand how my daughter feels, was titled, 'How do you do it?'" June

"In reading her articles, my heart is always comforted by the words of Leila Koepp. She seems to understand exactly what I am feeling, and her words echo my thoughts." Charisse

"All her stories come from the heart, as truthful as she possibly can be. Even the anger as so many are afraid to share...God knows our hearts and He is a loving, forgiving God." Mary Ann

"I have been blessed with huge nuggets of peace from Leila's writings because she genuinely opens her heart, allowing the rest of us to share her pain as she guides us in our travel down the road of sorrow. She explains things in heartfelt ways that the layman can understand. Although none of us wishes to be on this road, I am grateful to be sharing it with her; because of her writings it is also a road of hope." Debbie

"Leila's articles provide me with hope. Hope that I will be reunited with Brian. They provide me a renewed faith in the belief that God is in our lives and was there when Brian died. They provide me with a perspective on my grief from one who has experienced the same deep level of grief. They provide me with comfort." Joe

Topics in Grief on YouTube

You can now view Topics in Grief on YouTube. The link is below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0k8hLmkpiA

Topics in Grief Video

Go to the website:   www.lowercapetv.org

Click on Find and Watch shows

Search on Topics in Grief

When the show comes up , click on VIEW and you will see the show http://lowercapetv.org/

Comparing the Death of Philip Seymour Hoffman to the Death of my Son

The first time I was introduced to Philip Hoffman Seymour was when my son brought the movie “Scent of a Woman” to the house and we watched it together. We watched the movie more than once and we were fascinated by his talent as an actor and by the movie as a whole. When I heard that he died of a heroin drug overdose, I was affected by the loss as my son also died of a similar cause 10 years ago.

The media is all over the place about this tragic death. Topics like “Stars Mourn the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman”, “Drug Dealers Targeted...” and “Four Arrested in Drug Probe” and so on. He has been on the news over and over again and on the internet with many people involved on commenting whether drug addiction is a disease or a choice.

Mr. Hoffman was among the rich and famous. Unlike Mr. Hoffman, no one cared about my son’s death. He did not make the headline news. No one cared about arresting the drug dealers. In fact when I told the officer in charge that we think that there is a link to a drug dealer, he dismissed it immediately and told me that they do not bother with the small stuff. I simply told him that catching the drug dealer will not affect me but that I did not want another parent to lose a child. When the he gave me his card, he told me “I buy houses in case you want to sell his house”.

At the academy awards in 2006 in his acceptance speech Mr. Hoffman thanks his mother for raising him on her own. He was proud of his mother as my son was always proud of me. I have a tender spot in my heart for Philip as in many ways I see that he was a sensitive and caring person as my son was.

Many on the internet are judging Mr. Hoffman for dying of drugs. These people do not realize that those who die of drugs struggle all their lives and do not want to use drugs but are addicted and cannot stop no matter how hard they try. They did make a stupid choice when they tried the drugs for the first time. However, after they are addicted, I do not think that they have a choice. They are tangled and have difficulty quitting.

We know that many people are on drugs and yet they do not die. Many act as if they are better than those who overdose.  I often sense a relief on their part that justifies my son’s death in their minds because of the manner in which he died. It is as if he deserved to die because he tried drugs. I do not think that the manner of death does make a difference to the bereaved parent as to the enormity of the loss. The loss is the same. The emptiness and void is the same. However, it would have been easier to the bereaved parent if society did not distinguish to such a measure as to the differences in the causes of death.