I cannot explain my grief. It is a mystery to me. Grief
happens. I do not plan to cry or not to cry. My soul gets overwhelmed and is very
heavy and then the tears flow like rivers of water. There is no planning, there
is no expectation, only subtle vibes that fill my soul with memories and lead
to crying. The experiences that I have are unspeakable. At times my life is a
living death and yet I was able to climb out of the pit and to make it. I still
do not understand how I was able to survive. Maybe it is because God knows who
I am and is touched by my sorrow and pain. I found my way by groping in the
dark. I had to experience and go through the grief. Part of me wants to
continue to grieve and part of me wants to embrace life. I feel that I am
somewhere between heaven and earth. This is because I have treasures in both
places and "where your treasure is there your heart is also".
Some of the promises for the New Year for me are to make
sure that my son’s name will be mentioned. I want to make my life count for
good. I want to be able to help others who have lost children to survive the
loss. I want to be a good listener to those who hurt. I want to be kind and
compassionate towards others. Caring is a quality that is needed these days. I
promise to lift my head up high and be free from the world’s criticisms. I promise
to love and to share as sharing is a part of caring. I promise to let go of
vain regrets and to hold unto memories of yesterday’s looking forward to a new
year. Losing David will always be
a part of me as I step into this New Year and years to come. It is a
determining power that will forever guide me. The old year is gone; maybe I
should try not to carry its burdens to the New Year. I can always be thankful that my son has enriched my life in so many ways. He is gone, but will never be
forgotten even if I were to live a million years from now.
