Don't let him ruin your life

When a woman whom I just met heard that I lost my son, she immediately blurted out the words: “Don’t let him ruin your life”.

Ruined my life? No! Instead he perfected it. He has changed the way I think, the way I live and the way I spend my time. He has made me more aware of the essentials of life and made me disregard the trivial. I actually lift my head high and I always have a prayer for someone who is going through deep waters. I am aware of the path of sorrow that they are going to tread, as I have walked through that same path, and my heart goes out to them.

 

Loneliness of the Heart

David lived alone with his German shepherd. I often asked him if he was lonely. He would say to me “No mom, I am alone, but I am not lonely”. On the other hand after he died I began to experience and still do loneliness of the heart that cannot be described in words. I could be with many people and feel lonely at the same time. What a contrast!

In my case, I spend many lonely dreary hours reflecting and missing my son.  The loss of his presence, the loss of his person has left my world empty. How can I be satisfied in a vacuum? What do I hope for, for the rest of my life? My house is empty. My heart is hollow and my whole being is in pain. I am searching and searching and need to find out what I am searching for. 

What increases my loneliness is the fact that as time goes by I have less of a chance to talk about David. When I tell people that he has been gone for so many years years, they do not respond with the same earnestness as when I told then that he died a month ago. As time goes by the need to talk about David continues and yet there is no one that I can share this with. I continue to long for him. I continue to yearn for him. No one seems to be able to fill the emptiness in my soul. The loneliness continues and at times it is so unbearable that I feel that I am going to bust. I try to remember what he used to say, his hugs, his smile, his beautiful face and of course his hazel eyes that were so soft and gentle and spoke words to any one who looked into them.

Grief is Cyclic

Some of what I wrote in the past during my deepest sorrow.


There is something very sad when a young person dies. The loss is both for the one who dies and to those left behind especially the parents. The child who dies never gets to complete his life on this earth. He misses out on the many joys and sorrows that life offers, yet this is the fate of all mankind. Every man dies. In a way no matter how long one lives, the end is death. So maybe it does not matter in the long term. The parents on the other hand are devastated. They have to go on with the pain of the loss. 

In my case, I am changed forever. I will never be the same. I have become too emotional and I cry at the smallest thing. David is complete. He is safe and happy. I am in a million of pieces, fragmented and totally lost. Nothing seems to fill the void. The emptiness that I feel is awful. I am in despair. I anguish over everything. Life dealt me a big blow. 

In a million years I never imagined that I would bury my own flesh and blood. Oh how I yearn for him. I try to fill my soul and my mind with images and words of David. I go over every detail of our lives together. I cherish these memories. I go over pictures again and again in unbelief. I touch the pictures as if I am touching him. I touch his plants. I touch the walls that he painted and then I wail in despair. It is a continual cycle of memories and tears. My eyes have been hurting badly. They are always swollen and red. I keep saying to myself “How could this be”? My heart skips a beat. It is so unreal. The spark of life is extinguished and I just go through the everyday routines. I need to however reach a place of peace and to resolve my grief. The issues and questions that bother me need to be resolved and answered. Maybe in time some answers will emerge. I just had a long cry and my eyes hurt again. I need these cries so that I can function the rest of the day.

Less Than Two Years after the Loss

I wrote this less than two years after losing David.

There is an emptiness that no one can fill. No matter how hard I try to recover and say life goes on, it does so, but not the same way. David will never see the sun shine in the daytime or the moon and stars at night. I hurt at the thought. It makes me so mad that he is cut off. I am actually furious. I am the angriest that ever was. I try to turn to faith and acceptance, but it does not comfort me to the level that I am normal again. I do not think that I will ever be normal again. How could I be normal? I lost part of me. There is no way that I can get that part fully back. I go God and nature for consolation.