Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Grief is Cyclic

Some of what I wrote in the past during my deepest sorrow.

There is something very sad when a young person dies. The loss is both for the one who dies and to those left behind especially the parents. The child who dies never gets to complete his life on this earth. He misses out on the many joys and sorrows that life offers, yet this is the fate of all mankind. Every man dies. In a way no matter how long one lives, the end is death. So maybe it does not matter in the long term. The parents on the other hand are devastated. They have to go on with the pain of the loss. 

In my case, I am changed forever. I will never be the same. I have become too emotional and I cry at the smallest thing. David is complete. He is safe and happy. I am in a million of pieces, fragmented and totally lost. Nothing seems to fill the void. The emptiness that I feel is awful. I am in despair. I anguish over everything. Life dealt me a big blow. 

In a million years I never imagined that I would bury my own flesh and blood. Oh how I yearn for him. I try to fill my soul and my mind with images and words of David. I go over every detail of our lives together. I cherish these memories. I go over pictures again and again in unbelief. I touch the pictures as if I am touching him. I touch his plants. I touch the walls that he painted and then I wail in despair. It is a continual cycle of memories and tears. My eyes have been hurting badly. They are always swollen and red. I keep saying to myself “How could this be”? My heart skips a beat. It is so unreal. The spark of life is extinguished and I just go through the everyday routines. I need to however reach a place of peace and to resolve my grief. The issues and questions that bother me need to be resolved and answered. Maybe in time some answers will emerge. I just had a long cry and my eyes hurt again. I need these cries so that I can function the rest of the day.

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