Sunday, August 30, 2015

Loneliness of the Heart

David lived alone with his German shepherd. I often asked him if he was lonely. He would say to me “No mom, I am alone, but I am not lonely”. On the other hand after he died I began to experience and still do loneliness of the heart that cannot be described in words. I could be with many people and feel lonely at the same time. What a contrast!

In my case, I spend many lonely dreary hours reflecting and missing my son.  The loss of his presence, the loss of his person has left my world empty. How can I be satisfied in a vacuum? What do I hope for, for the rest of my life? My house is empty. My heart is hollow and my whole being is in pain. I am searching and searching and need to find out what I am searching for. 

What increases my loneliness is the fact that as time goes by I have less of a chance to talk about David. When I tell people that he has been gone for so many years years, they do not respond with the same earnestness as when I told then that he died a month ago. As time goes by the need to talk about David continues and yet there is no one that I can share this with. I continue to long for him. I continue to yearn for him. No one seems to be able to fill the emptiness in my soul. The loneliness continues and at times it is so unbearable that I feel that I am going to bust. I try to remember what he used to say, his hugs, his smile, his beautiful face and of course his hazel eyes that were so soft and gentle and spoke words to any one who looked into them.

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