Wednesday, September 25, 2013

E-mail Regarding Topics in Grief

I am reading your book. I read a little bit before bed, hoping that the memories will give me dreams of (name of her son).  When he died, I bought and read every book I could find on parents losing their child.  Some helped a little, some didn't.  I was looking for your book, but alas, it hadn't been published yet! Please know I will get your book for any unfortunate friend or family member who loses a child. (I hope I don't have to purchase another one :( because I wouldn't want our pain on any one). But as I have told you before, you write what I feel.   Reading through it, brings back the memories and pain of those early days.  I love the dream you had of David, telling you he was present but hidden.  I too had (name of her son) come to me in a dream, right before I woke up.  He told me, Mom, I'm happy.  I remember touching his face, feeling stubble.  I believe God gives these experiences to moms whose hearts are broken, helping us on our grief journey. We hold onto them, until we get to hold our kids again.  I was especially happy, last night to see the pictures of you and David in the back of the book. He is a beautiful boy, just as my (name of her son) was and I can't wait to meet him some day.  I will write more as I go through it. love, (name of mother).

PS, last night I was struck by the commonality of the comments you received, as I did.  After 6 months, someone told me I needed to get over it!! The most pain, though was caused by my sister telling me how much she missed her son (who was away at college) I cried for hours.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

C.S. Lewis Quote

I read from C.S.Lewis “Don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand”. He wrote this after his wife died.

Many people believe that religion and faith can take the pain away and can comfort those who are grieving. I believe that in time God and God alone can bring comfort to the hurting soul, but not immediately after the loss.

I continue to hurt on a daily basis. Last night while eating, tears began to flow unexpectedly. When I saw the sunset, I lost it again. David continues to consume me with his memories. I go to bed thinking about him. I wake up doing the same thing. I walk around watching the people who are oblivious to my pain and feelings. I want the whole world to know that I lost my son. Yet I have to live a facade. I have to pretend that all is fine.

I am tired of people who tell me that “Life goes on”. It is no longer the same life. Don’t they know that everything has changed? I am not me. I do not know who I am or what I am. All is a mystery now. I feel so lonely amidst the crowds. I am consumed in my own grief and sorrow. The reality of the loss is unbearable. I wonder if my heart will ever heal.    

The one thing that I want in life is the one thing that I cannot have. He is gone forever, his laughter, his hugs, his voice and all that had meaning to my life is gone. Many times I realize that I cannot get rid of the pain, but have to go through it. Grief continues to feel like fear and anxiety and suspense at times. I often feel my heart skipping a beat. I just sit at times to recover from the pain. There seems to be more time than before. Time seems longer. I want time to pass faster. As time passes, I have noticed that David is with me everywhere I go. I sense his presence at all times. I just miss the tangible part so much and want to hear him and feel him.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Grief Poem

This poem was written by Dr. Salim K. Haddad, a neurosurgeon residing in Wales.

There is grief in the morning
At the cooing of the dove,
There is grief in the evening
That snatches away some love.

Some sing of the sweet sorrow,
But sorrow should not be sweet;
Bright days may come tomorrow,
Will they rock us off our feet?

Sad days are part of this life,
At times they seem not to fade,
Death's dark face became unfurled
When sin became man's dear maid.

We feel pain, but must go on,
Our life cannot remain still,
We weep and cry, joy is gone,
But water is in the mill.

Some enjoy being too sad,
But can this be truly right?
Life itself should make us glad,
Is full of many things bright.

In Heaven

This poem was written by Dr. Salim K. Haddad, a neurosurgeon residing in Wales

I loved you unceasingly
And I still do,
Wish to see you fleetingly
And then hug you.
The say, pray not for the dead,
But I do pray
God to keep you where you tread
In Heaven's day.
There you have love, joy, and peace
For evermore
Since you acquired your release
Through the dark door.
I ask you to forgive me
Any wrong done
By me, and this is my plea:
Forgive each one.
You are now blessed and joyful
In God's presence,
I, on this earth, am hurtful,
Weep in silence.

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Passage of Time

Despite time past, the sorrow does not subside. It is always with me on a daily basis. The pain comes and goes but the intensity of the pain is the same. The pain is beyond description. Daily I think of David and realize how massive the loss is. I long for him and my heart yearns for one glimpse of his lovely face.The eyes continue to leak and the face has a constant saddened look. Many have commented about my sad visage as it is a reflection of how my heart feels.  I know that the soul lives forever and that one day I will be reunited with my son. I grieve as I do not live in the future but the present. In this world David no longer exists except in the hearts and memories of those who love him. It is so disappointing, so frustrating and so very sad.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Grieving Mother's E-mail

This e-mail was sent to me by a woman who lost her son.

You have no idea Leila how much I relate to these words of yours: 

Intellectually I know that I lost my son, but my being and soul do not accept this fact. To make things even worse, my whole self-worth evaporated. I feel like nothing. How can I be someone without my son? He was my life.

It is like you feel every heart beat of my aching heart, speak my language and express what I can and can't express. Thanks for making me feel like I am a normal broken human being. In general , I don't care what people think of me and how I grieve. It is my loss and not theirs. My son was and still my life. He is the one who completed me and the one who made my whole life made sense. How can I ever accept what happened? 
They say "life goes on". Yes, life on the surface is going on. Yes, I am living but not alive. There is NO life without my son.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Comment About An Article on Grief

This comment was sent by a woman who also lost her son and who read one of my articles that was published in Broken Hearts Living Hope. This article is in the book "Topics in Grief".

I just read the December issue and had to write a huge thank you to Leila Koepp for really expressing how I think a lot of us really feel.  I feel like copying "How are you feeling today?" and handing it out to everyone I know. I think the gut wrenching truth of it was beautiful because of its pure honesty.  Some thing I would like to add and that I have been getting a lot of lately is people saying "(name of her son) would want you to be happy" (because we all need a little more guilt) is that my (name of son), the (name of son) I raised, and loved more than anything would lovingly and compassionately understand!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Just Thinking

When I lost my son David I realized that:

The magic of life is lost. 
The main theme of life is love. 
I can work hard despite the anger.
Even when I laugh, I am sad. 
David is precious to me, but not to those who do not know him. He means nothing to them.
The joy of my heart is gone.
I am aware of things now that previous to his death I was not aware of.
The zest and the spark of life is gone as well.
My stubborn will does not want to yield.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Note Regarding Topics in Grief

This note was addressed to me by someone who read my book.

Thank you for sharing your pain with such honesty and transparency. Thank you for sharing your faith so openly and honestly and not pretending that faith means we don't have pain and disappointment.

After reading your book, I feel I know David just a little bit. Thank you for sharing David with me. I know he loved dogs,nature, gardening and he love YOU. He was a "hands on" son and you are a "hands on" mom. You two were very close....a  very rare and beautiful thing.

So thank you for giving me just a glimpse of who he is and allowing me to see and feel a little bit of your heart.