Affliction!! Is it for our good?

I have been going through my diary and located the following excerpt.

Every time that I read about affliction it sounds that it is for our good. It sounds that we need to be tested so that we can grow to be stronger and that our faith will also be strengthened. I don’t mind being tested if the testing were not so final. So what if I become stronger? What if I endure, and out of this suffering come beauty? What if I can survive and be able to help others? Is this worth the loss of my son? I do not think so. I would rather have him than go through the fiery furnace and come out like gold. I would rather be a weak person of no value than to lose David. I do not look at this loss as a test of my faith. I look at it as a horrible thing that happened to me and to David. I look at it as a loss that can never be replaced.

Less Than Two Years after the Loss

I wrote this less than two years after losing David.

There is an emptiness that no one can fill. No matter how hard I try to recover and say life goes on, it does so, but not the same way. David will never see the sun shine in the daytime or the moon and stars at night. I hurt at the thought. It makes me so mad that he is cut off. I am actually furious. I am the angriest that ever was. I try to turn to faith and acceptance, but it does not comfort me to the level that I am normal again. I do not think that I will ever be normal again. How could I be normal? I lost part of me. There is no way that I can get that part fully back. I go God and nature for consolation.

More Diary Notes

This was written in my early days of grief in 2004

I am really despondent today and have some anger. I can’t imagine living like this till the day I die. It has been such a struggle and challenge. I am tired of pretending and philosophizing. It does not work. It is telling me that I can make it if I think this way or think of the eternal when everything that surrounds me is temporal and I live in a tangible world and I have to think of the unseen. I am really all confused and full of doubt. Faith is based on the unseen. It is so easy for someone who has not suffered such a loss to judge my faith and it has been judged many a time. Only the Lord knows my heart and knows how much I am hurting. I feel like a knife is cutting my heart out at times. Today is no good. The world around me is full of life and yet I feel dead on the inside. I want David to see the flowers that I am seeing and I want him to participate in this life. I am so void. I am so empty and so lonely and so messed up at this moment. This is not the way one must live. I am so stupid to deprive myself of the joy of this life knowing full well that there is nothing that I can do to change the unchangeable and yet I continue to feel sad. I really cannot change how I feel in an instant. It is not magic. It is a process of accepting and not accepting what happened until it sinks into my brain that life could be good again. Maybe someday I will feel like myself again. Yet I know that my grief will never be lost.

Diary Notes

This was written almost a year and a half after I lost precious David.

February 2, 2005, today I did not wake up as sad as yesterday. I am sad however. I am tired of people telling me that I am depressed. A broken heart is what I have. I ache. I hurt. I am sorry that I lost my precious son. I just can’t accept it as the norm and just go on with my life as if all is fine and dandy. It is not fine. It will never be fine. It will never be like before. There is an emptiness that no one can fill. No matter how hard I try to recover and say life goes on, it does so, but not the same way. David will never see the sun shine in the daytime or the moon and stars at night. I hurt at the thought. It makes me so mad that he is cut off. I am actually furious. I am the angriest that ever was. I try to turn to faith and acceptance, but it does not comfort me to the level that I am normal again. I do not think that I will ever be normal again. How could I be normal? I lost part of me. There is no way that I can get that part fully back. I am not satisfied to just have memories despite the fact that I am thankful that such a thing exists. David should not have died. I think that my faith is shattered because I lost him. I want to reconnect with people, but find it difficult to do so at times. I see the shallowness and trivia of life more than before. I am tired of people rattling the same lingo that they hear over and over again when someone dies. They do not know because they do not feel the pain that I am feeling. How could they feel the same way? They did not lose their treasure, their precious son, their hope for the future. I do not blame them. However, I wish that they would only say that they are sorry, or just give me a hug. The sting of death continues to pain me. I taught and then ran to the grief group. It was good. We talked about our children and that made us all feel better for the time being.

C.S. Lewis Quote

I read from C.S.Lewis “Don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand”. He wrote this after his wife died.

Many people believe that religion and faith can take the pain away and can comfort those who are grieving. I believe that in time God and God alone can bring comfort to the hurting soul, but not immediately after the loss.

I continue to hurt on a daily basis. Last night while eating, tears began to flow unexpectedly. When I saw the sunset, I lost it again. David continues to consume me with his memories. I go to bed thinking about him. I wake up doing the same thing. I walk around watching the people who are oblivious to my pain and feelings. I want the whole world to know that I lost my son. Yet I have to live a facade. I have to pretend that all is fine.

I am tired of people who tell me that “Life goes on”. It is no longer the same life. Don’t they know that everything has changed? I am not me. I do not know who I am or what I am. All is a mystery now. I feel so lonely amidst the crowds. I am consumed in my own grief and sorrow. The reality of the loss is unbearable. I wonder if my heart will ever heal.    

The one thing that I want in life is the one thing that I cannot have. He is gone forever, his laughter, his hugs, his voice and all that had meaning to my life is gone. Many times I realize that I cannot get rid of the pain, but have to go through it. Grief continues to feel like fear and anxiety and suspense at times. I often feel my heart skipping a beat. I just sit at times to recover from the pain. There seems to be more time than before. Time seems longer. I want time to pass faster. As time passes, I have noticed that David is with me everywhere I go. I sense his presence at all times. I just miss the tangible part so much and want to hear him and feel him.