Monday, February 23, 2015


Guilt robs us of our happiness. It reminds us that we did not do the right thing. Guilt feelings remind us of the past and what happened that should not have happened. I feel guilty that I outlived my son. I feel guilty when I cook his favorite food. I feel guilty when I laugh.

I do not have guilt feelings about my role as his mother. I loved David unconditionally. I gave him my time, and my full attention. He knew that he was loved. He knew that he was safe with us. He knew that he was very important to us. He too loved us.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Devastating loss

Seven months since David left us I wrote this: I woke up in tears and I am in tears now. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. There is calm outside after the snow storm and yet my heart is raging. How can I learn to live without him when I spent the last 30 years with him? I got accustomed to his presence. His voice continues to ring in my ears. I hear him saying “mom” in his sweet usual way. I go over the incidents and experiences that we shared and long to have them back. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to say goodbye. It is too soon. He is too young. He died in his prime. It is the most awful thing that can happen to anyone. I wish that I did not have to experience such loss. I wish that the Lord would have spared me such pain. I wish that I could reverse things. I wish that this is nothing but an ugly dream. Then his absence reminds me that it is real. He is gone. He has vanished. He disappeared. It is the worst gash that was ever made into my side. It is so deep, it is so cruel, and it is incurable.  I think of the brevity of life and the quote from Job “A man cometh forth as a flower and is cut down”. So we come up, we prosper, we die as the flower.