Guilt robs us of our happiness. It reminds us that we did not do the
right thing. Guilt feelings remind us of the past and what happened that should
not have happened. I feel guilty that I outlived my son. I feel guilty when I
cook his favorite food. I feel guilty when I laugh.
I do not have guilt feelings about my role as his mother. I loved David
unconditionally. I gave him my time, and my full attention. He knew that he was
loved. He knew that he was safe with us. He knew that he was very important to
us. He too loved us.
Seven months since David left us I wrote this: I woke up in
tears and I am in tears now. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. There
is calm outside after the snow storm and yet my heart is raging. How can I
learn to live without him when I spent the last 30 years with him? I got
accustomed to his presence. His voice continues to ring in my ears. I hear him
saying “mom” in his sweet usual way. I go over the incidents and experiences
that we shared and long to have them back. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t
want to say goodbye. It is too soon. He is too young. He died in his prime. It
is the most awful thing that can happen to anyone. I wish that I did not have
to experience such loss. I wish that the Lord would have spared me such pain. I
wish that I could reverse things. I wish that this is nothing but an ugly
dream. Then his absence reminds me that it is real. He is gone. He has
vanished. He disappeared. It is the worst gash that was ever made into my side.
It is so deep, it is so cruel, and it is incurable. I think of the brevity of life and the quote
from Job “A man cometh forth as a flower and is cut down”. So we come up, we
prosper, we die as the flower.