I Weep

During this holiday season I am more emotional than ever and the loneliness and despair has resulted in the writing of this short article.

  

I weep not only for losing my son but for all the parents who lost their children. I weep when I think of his face, I weep for his empty place. I weep when I think of the cold ground that covers him. Is he really gone from me on earth? I question that and continue to weep.

I have cried and wrestled often in prayer. How could someone as precious, so dear to my heart vanish like vapor and disappear? Yet I say to myself no, no, he is still with me. And then I say to myself “where is my son?” Where is he hiding? I look for him everywhere, among the flowers and trees, around the empty streets, in the house and everywhere, yet he is not there.

Pleasant memories bring him back to me, and my eyes become blurry with tears, yet there is no glimpse of him. Loneliness fills my soul and I question his whereabouts and wonder how one so close to me in life could be so far away now. I am alone and my heart is broken and my longing for him is as strong as ever. I long for him by day and by night. I often wish that he would come back again and free me from all the intense pain. Just as the leaves fall and the flowers die, I think of my son who is gone.

My hopes and feelings are confused; my sick heart grieves and is full of anguish. Yet his going from this earth has given me serener thoughts and nearness to the sky, and has opened my heart and my eyes to see what is beautiful and has strengthened my faith and turned me around from what is temporal to what is eternal.

Happy Birthday David

PRECIOUS DAVID; Thank you for being you. Today you would have been 42. You have transformed my life and put meaning into it for which I am thankful. You opened my eyes to see the beauty that surrounds me. You continue to be a big part of my life and will continue to impact every aspect of it. Happy birthday.

Why be thankful

In Psalms 34:1 we read: “I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall be continually in my mouth”. I often ask myself:  “how can I be thankful after losing my son?”

My mother was a simple woman who was uneducated. Yet she was a godly woman who saw God in His creation. I remember her washing fruits and vegetables and praising God in amazement over the beauty of the colors of the various fruits and vegetables. She would laugh when she saw a bird hopping or singing through the kitchen window. I remember her kneeling by the bedside at night praying and thanking God for everything even though she could hardly provide for our food and clothing. We too can be thankful for the things that we take for granted, for the fruit on the tree, the birds that sing, the flowers that bloom and the leaves that fall.

I am a biology teacher by profession. I often instill in my students a thankful attitude. For example when I talk about the kidneys, I explain to them as to why they cannot live without both kidneys as they remove the nitrogenous waste products from our bodies without which our bodies would become toxic.  I then ask them if they were ever thankful for their kidneys. I do not think that we realize all the blessings that we have until we lose them. We take talking, seeing, hearing, walking and being able to use our hands for granted, as an example. Many people are blind, deaf, crippled or paralyzed. Every heartbeat matters and we should cherish every moment of life as it is a gift.

If you have nothing to be thankful for this year, rejoice for the life within you that is a gift from God. You can be thankful for the miracle of spring that brings nature to a new life, the beauty of the sky and sea, the sunrise and the sunset as well as the moon and the stars that illuminate the darkness of the sky.

Do the memories alone make life worth living? Can I be thankful for the loneliness that I experience? Yes, it is because of the deep loneliness that I can reflect over David’s life for which I am thankful.  I often ask myself how can I be thankful after losing my son. How can I be thankful when my wounded heart and all life’s sweetness seem to ebb and die? How can I be thankful when slow sad years go by? How can I be thankful when peace was replaced with anguish and turmoil?

Thank God for life, love, and pain. Thankfulness to me is one of the most exalted principles that can provoke the heart of man. It is something noble and devout. 

More Diary Notes

This was written in my early days of grief in 2004

I am really despondent today and have some anger. I can’t imagine living like this till the day I die. It has been such a struggle and challenge. I am tired of pretending and philosophizing. It does not work. It is telling me that I can make it if I think this way or think of the eternal when everything that surrounds me is temporal and I live in a tangible world and I have to think of the unseen. I am really all confused and full of doubt. Faith is based on the unseen. It is so easy for someone who has not suffered such a loss to judge my faith and it has been judged many a time. Only the Lord knows my heart and knows how much I am hurting. I feel like a knife is cutting my heart out at times. Today is no good. The world around me is full of life and yet I feel dead on the inside. I want David to see the flowers that I am seeing and I want him to participate in this life. I am so void. I am so empty and so lonely and so messed up at this moment. This is not the way one must live. I am so stupid to deprive myself of the joy of this life knowing full well that there is nothing that I can do to change the unchangeable and yet I continue to feel sad. I really cannot change how I feel in an instant. It is not magic. It is a process of accepting and not accepting what happened until it sinks into my brain that life could be good again. Maybe someday I will feel like myself again. Yet I know that my grief will never be lost.

Thoughts About The Loss

I gave this article to my colleagues before returning to teach after a semester off. It might be something that some of you, who have recently lost a child, could use.

I wish that David had not died and I want him back so badly. He was very important to me. I hope that you will not be afraid to speak his name. If I cry when you talk about David, it isn’t because you have hurt me. David’s death is the cause of my tears. I will be grateful if you will allow me to talk about him and to share my grief. Grieving is the hardest job that I will ever do. It is exhausting. Grieving is not contagious. Please do not shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I know that you think and pray for me often. Please let me know through a phone call, a note or a hug. I wish that you would not think that my grief will be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me. I hope that you will understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of David until the day I die. I will never not remember him, ever. I am trying hard to recover, but you need to understand that I will never fully recover, and will always miss David and will always grieve that he is dead. I am not asking for pity. I just want you to let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I struggle daily and might be doing OK, but I do not feel OK. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness is what I am experiencing which are normal reactions to grief. David believed in hope. He often said to me “mom, hope is a good thing, it is the best of things, and good things never die.” I hope that you will understand when I might be quiet, withdrawn, and cranky or irritable. I was told to “take one day at a time”. I would be doing well if I can handle one hour at a time or one moment at a time. Grief has changed me. I am not the same person I was before I lost David, and I will never be that person again. I wish that you would understand my loss, my grief, my tears, my void, my loneliness, my pain. BUT I pray that you will never understand.

Diary Entry from November 1, 2004

David died in August 2003. 

November 1, 2004, another month without my honey. The sadness grows as time moves. I feel a bit better today so far. I am going to trust that God knows the beginning from the end and that he allowed this to happen. I do not know why and will never know why. My thoughts however do not match my feelings. I try to be strong and then I fail. How can I be strong when the love of my life is gone? How can I go on with the trivial daily chores that have no meaning? I can't stand it. I never realized how empty life could be. I put so much energy all my life to succeed and be successful for my family and I failed everything. I feel so humbled by all this. I am nobody. I am nothing. It is 10 pm and I am extremely sad. I long for David and want to hold him. I continually have tears in my eyes. I have fears that I will not remember some aspects of his life. This is why I am trying to write as much as I can. His face I have memorized as well as his gentleness and love. I miss him so terribly and there is deep hole in my heart and soul.

Poem on Death

After David died I began to write poems. I used DEATH as an acronym. This poem was written while giving an exam to my students.

Death is an enemy that I abhor
Even though we often ignore
All mankind is destined to taste
The bitter cup that is in store
Hovering over us all.

Questions

The other day I decided to read some of the diary notes that I have written and I realized that there were many questions that I have asked with no attempt to answer them as there are no answers.

What am I to do now that David is gone? Is there any more purpose to my life? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever do anything without thinking of him? Will I ever not feel guilty that I am alive and he is dead?

Why did this have to happen? Why did I lose him at such a tender age? Why am I destined for pain? Will the pain ever go away? Why was his life cut short? Why? Why? Why? Will I ever have peace again? How could he die? How could David be here one day and now he is not here? Can I change what happened? What would my life be like had David not died? How could life be so harsh?

Why did it have to be this way? Why didn't things work out differently? How could this be? Where is he? What happened? How about all the people who use drugs and do not die? How can I accept this loss?

Will I feel the way I felt before David died? When will that happen? Who knows? Will I be whole again? Do I want to be whole again? Why can't I feel whole again? Why do I continue to feel so alone?

Do I appreciate the fact that I am alive? Do I cherish life? Why do I continue to want to die? Can I live my life with a broken heart and enjoy life at the same time? How can I just live again and enjoy life? Will I live again?

What mother does not worry about her child? How could one child consume me so much? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I put David to rest and let him sleep in peace? Why can't I just go on with what is left? Will I hug him again?

Why can't I yield and trust? Why am I not consoled even though there is eternal life? What is it that I believed in or believe in? Why can't I be satisfied with the infinite God? Why can't I allow Him to fill my life with peace and joy?

Why should I plan for tomorrow? Why do we struggle so much and for what? Do I continue to go on? How can I turn things around? Is there an escape? What good does this do me?

Why is it that people know the answers and I do not seem to have a clue? How can I do what others tell me when my whole being is saying and feeling otherwise? How can anyone judge any other person?

What will be left if I lose my grief?

Diary Notes 10 Months After the Loss

 I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on. I want to die because of David and yet I want to live because of my husband, daughter and grandson. I am so confused and tormented. I did laundry and spoke to a woman about David. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbreakable and the tears do not dry. I read a bit but could not sleep. After supper I saw a movie and heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can't be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people said to me in an effort to make sense out of David’s death. None of it made sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. Yet how can I accept this. It is unacceptable. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.

A New Skyline 9/11

After 9/11 the twin towers disappeared. They just simply vanished and so did the hopes and dreams of thousands if not millions of people. There was a new skyline in New York. In lieu of the towers every year beams of light are erected on that special night in the form of the towers to replace what was lost. These lights will never replace the real thing. They are not the same. They will never be the same. However they are a reminder and a symbol of what can never be replaced. Unlike the real towers these beams of light can only be seen in the dark. Since I live in the area near where the towers existed, I can see the lights every year. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering due to the evil that was inflicted upon them.

When my son’s candle burned out, I was left in the thickest darkness grouping for the unknown. These times of darkness are full of complexity and confusion. At times there seems to be no light in the path. Then I realize that God is guiding me in the dark. It is these dark days that have allowed me to see more clearly than before. I am realizing that in the light our eyes are unable to discern as effectively as in the dark. I can see what others do not see. Most of what I learned came in the darkest hours of my life. I am learning to trust God in the dark.

At The Compassionate Friends meetings I hear the term “the new normal”. I actually do not like the phrase, but it is used a lot today by so many people. There is no such thing as normal when you lose your child. It does not matter if it is old normal or new normal. The child that came from your own loins, rested on your bosom and was your delight vanished like the towers did. It is abnormal, absurd, backwards and reversed when you bury your child. Children should bury their parents and not the other way around. Since I cannot return to the kind of world that existed before David died nothing can be normal again. However I must rise above what happened. I need to do what I once thought was impossible. I must rebuild my world with a new skyline.

What is this new skyline? I am not really sure. However, I believe that it is different for each one of us. I always had zest for life. Since David died I lost this ability to enjoy living and began to simply exist. As I grieve I realize that no amount of grieving is going to bring my son back to me. How do I then begin to live intensely as opposed to simply existing? To live I need to have a new skyline that makes me realize that life is beautiful. I need to cherish each moment as life is a gift. I must put sense, worth and hope into life, without which life is meaningless. It is a skyline that I only can see as I look into my heart and soul. I can picture it in my mind and can become the person that God wants me to be. I can become a part of nature and all that my eyes can behold. I can lift my head high and aspire for what is beautiful and true. I can live with the fact that my love for David is deathless. 

What is your purpose in life?

I took life for granted until David died. It is then that I realized my purpose in life.

When I told the therapist after David died that I no longer have purpose, he told me that it was alright not to have a purpose. However, I knew that it is not alright. I began to drift. I did not know who I was. I did not know what to do with the rest of my life. My life was in a great crisis. I asked many big questions such as what is the meaning of life. What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? However, there were no answers to these questions.

I did not want to get up in the morning. I did not want to do anything. I just sat on the couch for hours reflecting over the loss, crying and wondering if I can survive. I was totally devastated and in deep despair. I wanted to die. I wanted for my life to be over. I could not go on as before.

As a professor, I disconnected from my colleagues. I only did the minimal. I taught in between tears and screams and went home doing the same thing. Crying in the car became routine. Students tried to console me, but nothing seemed to work.

I realized one day that I could not continue like this. I could not take life for granted. I realized that life is a gift from God. I realized that every moment counts. I started letting go of trivial concerns and decided to set myself free. I discovered myself. I know who I am and not what people want me to be. It took me 9 years before I was able to reconnect again. I still have days when I have a difficult time surviving.

I realized that part of my existence depended on caring for my son. Now that he was gone, I began to feel useless and helpless. At the same time my lovely daughter gave me a grandson. I embraced him. I decided to pour all my love into him. He gave me the courage to love again. He became a big part of my life. I could teach him about his uncle. I could impact his life for the good. I could make him see the beauty of nature and appreciate beautiful things. I could teach him that money cannot buy happiness.

Students see me now as a most compassionate teacher who cares about them like no other. One student told me that among all the teachers that she had throughout her life, she finds me to be the best and nicest teacher that she ever had. I told her that I was educated by sorrow. I considered myself as a good teacher before, but now I realize that I am better than I have ever been. I see my students differently. I realize the potential in each one of them. I teach them to be creative and to live in the present rather than in the future. I teach them to grasp the day and to be the best that they can be.

I always enjoyed nature, but now I am more connected to it. I began to see beauties that I did not see before. The sky became very precious to me. I gaze at it daily as my heart reaches towards my son. It is never the same from moment to moment and day after day. I often am awake in the morning and see the dawn coming up. In the evening I watch the sunset. During the days I envision images in the clouds and at night I see starry skies and the moon in all its glory.

Nature not only connects me to my son, but it connects me to God. Although God was a big part of my life before David died, now He is my only consolation. I talk to Him and pour my heart out to Him. I tell Him that I love Him even though my son is gone. I cry to Him and ask Him to soothe my pain and sorrow. I cling to Him in love.

I decided to move away from people who upset me and did not understand me and I made new friends. I decided that I did not want to live a façade but wanted people to know who I am and what I stand for. I became bold in expressing how I feel and how I think.

I became committed to writing in an attempt to help others. My writings are personal and honest. They reflect my devastation, my loss, my pain and my great love towards my son.

I spend a great deal of time alone. I reflect over the past. I continue to put meaning into my life. I no longer live in the future. I take every day seriously and thank God for granting me the day. Nothing is taken for granted any longer. I cherish my family and my friends. Now I follow my heart as it guides me along the way. I do not waste my time as I realize that every moment is precious.

My self-worth evaporated when I lost David, but I am claiming it back. I realize that I live at a higher level of existence and that I am connected to my soul. I discovered my soul and I commune with it.

My therapist was wrong when he told me that it was alright not to have a purpose, but maybe at the time he was right. He wanted to let me know that I need to heal before I can claim my purpose in life again. Without purpose we drift. Purpose is powerful and necessary. It guides us and allows us to shape our lives and gives meaning and passion to everything that we do.

Grief Happens

Grief happens. You do not plan to cry or not to cry. The soul gets overwhelmed and then the tears flow like rivers of water. There is no expectation, only subtle vibes that fill the soul with memories and lead to crying. The pain is associated with the tears and the longing and missing are beyond description. The loss is massive and most people lose compassion as time rolls by. Time does not change what happened and the loss is permanent. Please do not minimize the loss because the loss occurred years ago. In fact when you do that you generate a secondary loss as bereaved parents are intimidated and do not feel free and open to mention their departed loved ones names as if they never existed. 

Cape Cod Gardens

The flowers on Cape Cod are outstanding. I plant them as part of David's Garden.

What is important in life?

Many young people are being told that they must get educated, and work hard in order to make a lot of money. Very few are being told about what really matters in life.

Society does distinguish between rich and poor. People do like to associate with the rich and famous. They like to be photographed with them thinking that would make them better than others. Many join country clubs, golf clubs, and spas and try to hang out with people who make small talk and have little depth to them, but who are famous or rich. Many feel important because they are lawyers or doctors or work in the stock market. Many do not realize that fame is fleeting and that at any moment everything could be taken away from them.

So many parents push their children to play sports. They want their children to win and to become major sports figures whether it is baseball, football, tennis, ice hockey or whatever. These children are being overextended to the point where they do not get to enjoy their childhood.

Very few parents have time for their children. They work all day and hire a nanny to raise them. The money that they make goes to the nanny, the landscaper, the house cleaning crew, the mortgage and so on. They do not have time to take their children for walks, talk to them or see them grow up. They miss so much of their childhood and yet they think that they are being good parents because they have a big house and can pay their bills. On weekends the parents try to make up for their absence during the week. They shower their children with material goods because they feel guilty that they abandon them during the week, and the cycle goes on.

What matters is who you are as a person. What is it that makes you unique? What is it that makes you so loving and caring? What can you do to contribute to society? Do you lift up people and make them feel good?  Are you kind to others? Do you give of yourself to help others? It isn’t always about money. It is what you do. It is what you say. It is how you live.

After losing David, I realized that he knew what life was all about. He did not care much about material things. He did not care about collecting anything such as stamps, coins, antiques, toy cars and the like. He loved nature and took care of a few house plants. He was available to help everyone. He was a true friend to so many. He gave of himself and whenever he could, he also gave of what he had. He always was generous with his tips or birthday presents. He was a man of character. Character is what counts in life. This is what is important. This is what impacts lives and leaves a legacy that cannot be forgotten.

 Let us therefore invest in things that remain forever. Let us invest in people and in lives that could be inspired by how we live and how we give of ourselves to others. Let us be a role model to younger generations inspiring them to follow in our footsteps so that our legacy can continue and our society can thrive.

Thoughts While on a Cruise

This was written in January 2014 while on a cruise.

Now that we are at the end of our lives, I plan to live to the fullest taking advantage of each moment as time is fleeting. I do not plan to waste my life on myself but on helping others and doing what is best for most. I will continue to write about David and to promote his beautiful person and character. It is a goal of mine never to give up as many want me to especially since it has been 10 years. How can I forget my son? Time does not take away what is forever mine. He is a part of me. Our souls are connected.

As I look at the sky from the ship I feel him. He is in the clouds and the sunrise. He is in the sunset and beyond the horizon. He is everywhere I am as he is a part of my being. I long for a tangible and visible image of himself which I will forever hope for knowing full well that it will never be here on this earth.

Why did life deprive me of a beautiful treasure? Why did I have to lose him? Why? Why? Why? Should I accept what happened? I have tried but it is unacceptable. Losing my son is abnormal. It is the reversal of nature. It is absurd. It is wrong. The young should precede the old. The young is the future. The young is hope. The young is life.

 I keep reflecting over the same thoughts and the same ideas with no answers and no change. This loss is permanent. Nothing on earth can restore it. I often think of David and his beauty and he is always associated with tears. Why can’t I think of joy at the same time? I say to myself that I am happy at times but I am never whole. I actually do not live in fear and worry about much. Every day is a new adventure and beginning. I live in the realm of the unknown anticipating new delights that I have never experienced before. My son has enriched my life in a way beyond words. He has added meaning to everything that I do and say. I often look at people and wonder what they feel or what they are thinking or whether their lives have meaning especially while cruising.

How do you do it?

Since David died I have been asked many times “How do you do it?” Those who ask me even add “I do not think that I could do it” I usually do not attempt to answer the question and simply talk about something else. Sometimes they add “You are strong, I could not do it if it were me”. They give me the feeling that they love their children more than I love mine.

The first response that I have is “Do I have a choice?” I wish that there was a formula or a prescription that we could use to help us survive the day. I wish that there was some magic trick that we could use to remove the pain.

Every morning when I wake up I worry about how I am going to make it today. I ask the Lord to help me in my sorrow and despair. I read a lot of devotions and I get consoled and do feel better for a while, but grief continues to take hold of me and to hover over me on a daily basis.

Some days I am completely dysfunctional as sudden pangs of pain seize my mind.  My very soul bleeds with sorrow and anguish. I just sit for hours, cry and wait for the day to be over. Some days I simply go back to bed to sleep my sorrow off. Whenever I am in bed I pray that I would see my son in a dream.

Some days I can only function after I have cried my heart out. After I cry I feel a bit sane. Some days I keep so busy in order not to grieve. Then I am fatigued. There are times when I can’t stand it any longer and then I run out of the house and try to go for a walk.

Sometimes when I feel like going crazy over the loss I just get in the car and drive to nowhere screaming, yelling and crying my heart out. Sometimes I go down to the basement and scream. I find that screaming does help me.

Sometimes I just get on the phone and call people in order to survive the day. I specially call a woman who lost her son 13 years ago in order to be reassured that the pain will subside and that I can make it someday. I need to be told over and over again that I will make it. Sometimes when I am about to bust someone calls me and that brings me back to my senses.

I go around the house searching for him. I feel the emptiness and wonder if this is for real. How awful it is to feel so lost and so empty. When I experience severe sorrow beyond control mixed with tears, anxiety, diarrhea, shaking and disgust, I go to bed early in order to get rid of these disturbing symptoms.

I try to think of the eternal instead of the mundane. I try to think that the separation is temporary and not permanent.

I often reflect on history and get some consolation. I realize that many have walked where I am walking. I think about all the children that died so young due to disasters and diseases and realize that their parents did survive and so will I.

I spend a lot of time analyzing, reasoning and philosophizing. I go to the Bible and try to find answers and comfort and I get encouraged. I listen to hymns and I cry.

People told me that I needed to see a therapist as I was told that I was depressed. I told them that I was not depressed but that I have a broken heart instead. I went to grief therapy for one year thinking that I would heal instantly. It did not work. I realized that healing is going to take time and that a therapist who did not lose a child knows less than I do about the pain. I realized that talking to anyone who would listen is very helpful.

I sit alone pondering about what could have been instead of what is. I have two reminders in the kitchen from David when he was quite young and which he wrote for me on wood, “God is love” and “Mom you are the best mother”. I read them daily repeating these words from David in order to survive. David loved me and God is love. Love does not perish. It is eternal.

Some days I just walk from room to room and look at his pictures and touch each one. I touch his colorful hat that I have placed in the kitchen. I then touch the walls that he painted. I water the plants that he left behind. I hug myself pretending that I am hugging him. I talk to him. I see him in everything. I listen to his music which makes me feel closer to him. I see his love everywhere. It follows me as I go from one thing to the next.

In the spring, summer and fall I tend to his garden. I think that a garden in the name of your child is very therapeutic. It allows you to dig in the dirt and to just get lost in the beauty of nature. I have a stone by David’s garden that reads “The flowers grow by the tears that fall”. Flowers seem to dissipate the gloom that is within my soul and bring a sudden joy through my downcast spirit. They put on a glow of many colors, all dressed in beauty and wonder. The air is all perfume from their scent. People walk by and admire the garden and when they read the stone, I get to talk about David to them. I have made a lot of friends this way. I even share my plants with them.

I attend grief meetings which have encouraged me and I have become an active member in them. I write articles for the monthly newsletters. I have made new friends.

I was blessed with a grandson who was born a month before my son David died. My daughter was faithful in connecting with me on a daily basis and in allowing me to get close to my grandson. He has been a healing balm for my soul. I thank God for his timely appearance on this earth and he has given me the courage to love again.

One thing which has been helpful is my imagination. I read somewhere that imagination is greater than knowledge. I recently heard the hymn “Safe in the arms of Jesus”.  I literally imagine the Lord reaching out to receive David in His arms and to reassure him that he is safe and loved. I actually envision this scene and go back to it when I am in despair

I have a candle on the kitchen table and his photo among the rest of the family members. I light the candle on a daily basis and that seems to become a ritual that is soothing to my soul.

Do whatever you feel like doing. Talk to people. Go to the store. Let your mind wander. Sit in the sun. Look at the sky and reach for what you have lost. You will feel connected to your child as the sky will remind you of what is eternal. Smell the flowers. Hear the birds sing. Enjoy the calm of nature. Taste the freshness of the air. Savor the wonders of the moment. Invest in life. Cherish those who are left behind. Try to do something for someone else. Be good to yourself. You can go on despite the pain which will never go away. Having survived the worst so far, you will rise up again. 

Diary Notes November 5, 2003

November 5, 2003. It is 5am. It is raining. I heard a hymn that said even if you don’t understand, lift up your eyes and believe the One who holds the purpose of His plans. I wake up every morning realizing that something is missing in my life. I wake up sad. I wake up wondering if I can make it today. I light the candle and I look at his pictures and I yearn for him. I still cannot believe that David is gone forever. It is a nightmare. It is the biggest disaster of my life. I keep asking the question “How could this have happened to us?” Where did we go wrong? I wish that I had a chance to say goodbye. Now I have to start thinking differently about life. Where do I go from here?  I think of how David loved life and I sob. I think of David’s favorite food and I sob. I think of his gentle and loving person and I cry. I anguish and mourn daily. I feel destroyed by this. I actually feel physical pain. Once in a while my heart skips a beat. There is a moment of fear that comes now and then. I continue to see his image in my mind. My muscles ache. I look at the Coca Cola girl lithograph and remember how much he loved that print and how he wanted it someday. How I wish that I could give him everything. I regret not giving him a graduation party before he finished his last course. My last hug was the Friday before he died as he came back from the beach. He seemed so happy and excited about life. I never dreamt that he was so close to death. Oh how I wish that I had not lost him. I want him back so badly. I know that I cannot have him, but I continue to wish anyway. It is hopeless wishing. It is useless wishing, but it is wishing anyway. I do not make sense, but how could I. Nothing makes sense anymore. Every minute, every hour is consumed with thoughts of him. His presence surrounds me.  I put the table that he told me never to sell in the living room with his plants on it. It looks nice. The tears just started flowing again. My soul is heavy with grief. My heart aches all the time. I thank God for David and for the nice soul that he gave me. His gentle and kind person, make me yearn for him even more.