Peace be still

David died is August 2003 and I wrote this in my diary on January 31, 2004.

It is the last day of the first month. It is very cold and still dark. I woke up sad as usual. My thoughts always go towards David. “Peace be still” is what I read this morning. Yet my soul rages. The moments of peace are very few and far between. I need to be calmed and quieted within. I am in the path of pain and am burdened with sorrow. I need to be released from my grief. I need to let go, but somehow I cannot. How can a mother forget her dear son? The loneliness continues to grip me. I feel like busting. 

My Diary

David Died on August 17, 2003. I started writing about my pain.

September 29, 2004,  I feel sorrow the minute I wake up. I will never ever feel the same as before the massive loss. Oh, how I yearn for David. I imagine him around me in the kitchen all the time. I wish that he could hug me again and I hug him too. I wish that things were different. I wish that life did not deal me such pain. I wish that I had the power to reverse things. I wish that I could get peace over this. I wish that I could feel comfort and get back into life. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could embrace life again. I wish that I could feel no pain. I wish that I could heal. I wish that I could find the thing that would make this loss bearable.

Diary Entry from November 1, 2004

David died in August 2003. 

November 1, 2004, another month without my honey. The sadness grows as time moves. I feel a bit better today so far. I am going to trust that God knows the beginning from the end and that he allowed this to happen. I do not know why and will never know why. My thoughts however do not match my feelings. I try to be strong and then I fail. How can I be strong when the love of my life is gone? How can I go on with the trivial daily chores that have no meaning? I can't stand it. I never realized how empty life could be. I put so much energy all my life to succeed and be successful for my family and I failed everything. I feel so humbled by all this. I am nobody. I am nothing. It is 10 pm and I am extremely sad. I long for David and want to hold him. I continually have tears in my eyes. I have fears that I will not remember some aspects of his life. This is why I am trying to write as much as I can. His face I have memorized as well as his gentleness and love. I miss him so terribly and there is deep hole in my heart and soul.

Questions

The other day I decided to read some of the diary notes that I have written and I realized that there were many questions that I have asked with no attempt to answer them as there are no answers.

What am I to do now that David is gone? Is there any more purpose to my life? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever do anything without thinking of him? Will I ever not feel guilty that I am alive and he is dead?

Why did this have to happen? Why did I lose him at such a tender age? Why am I destined for pain? Will the pain ever go away? Why was his life cut short? Why? Why? Why? Will I ever have peace again? How could he die? How could David be here one day and now he is not here? Can I change what happened? What would my life be like had David not died? How could life be so harsh?

Why did it have to be this way? Why didn't things work out differently? How could this be? Where is he? What happened? How about all the people who use drugs and do not die? How can I accept this loss?

Will I feel the way I felt before David died? When will that happen? Who knows? Will I be whole again? Do I want to be whole again? Why can't I feel whole again? Why do I continue to feel so alone?

Do I appreciate the fact that I am alive? Do I cherish life? Why do I continue to want to die? Can I live my life with a broken heart and enjoy life at the same time? How can I just live again and enjoy life? Will I live again?

What mother does not worry about her child? How could one child consume me so much? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I put David to rest and let him sleep in peace? Why can't I just go on with what is left? Will I hug him again?

Why can't I yield and trust? Why am I not consoled even though there is eternal life? What is it that I believed in or believe in? Why can't I be satisfied with the infinite God? Why can't I allow Him to fill my life with peace and joy?

Why should I plan for tomorrow? Why do we struggle so much and for what? Do I continue to go on? How can I turn things around? Is there an escape? What good does this do me?

Why is it that people know the answers and I do not seem to have a clue? How can I do what others tell me when my whole being is saying and feeling otherwise? How can anyone judge any other person?

What will be left if I lose my grief?

Diary Notes 10 Months After the Loss

 I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on. I want to die because of David and yet I want to live because of my husband, daughter and grandson. I am so confused and tormented. I did laundry and spoke to a woman about David. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbreakable and the tears do not dry. I read a bit but could not sleep. After supper I saw a movie and heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can't be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people said to me in an effort to make sense out of David’s death. None of it made sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. Yet how can I accept this. It is unacceptable. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.

Diary Notes November 2003

    When David Died I started a diary. This is an entry in that diary that describes the devastation.

  November 3, 2003. I feel the grief every moment. I try to keep busy just to let the moments go by. I have become acquainted with grief. I concluded that no one can feel the pain that someone is going through unless they have experienced a similar loss and even then the feelings are going to be different. These feelings will depend on the relationship that the loved one had with the bereaved. The closer the relationship, the greater is the pain. I am struggling between the human and the spiritual. As a human, I think of all the things that David missed out on and my heart breaks. I anguish when I see young people. I anguish when the day is beautiful. I anguish when I eat something that David loved. I anguish all the time. When I think spiritually, I realize that all we have is time. Time will pass on and we all will be gone some day. Yet time is so precious. God gave us this life to enjoy. He blessed us with so many good things. David lost all this. My heart aches. I know that all that I am writing is not organized. Maybe it will make sense someday when it is put together. David was a special boy. He is the sensitive kind, the kind of boy that gets hurt easily. He also was a dreamer. He wanted to become so many things. He wanted to be a basketball player at one time. He tried acting. He tried computing, carpentry, and pizza. Yet when he did something he was very good at it. He loved the arts and nature. I am going to miss his presence at family gatherings. In a way I believe that part of the loss is due to the fact that we did not have a real extended family. His dad taught him how to fish and he did spend time with him. I am tired from grieving. I feel wasted. I still cannot comprehend the massive loss. As I think about it I become desperate. I do not get comfort as the days go by. I still feel sick as the image of his face is implanted in my memory. When I went upstairs to go to bed, all of a sudden, I started crying and could not quit. I basically threw a fit and wanted to die. I finally went to sleep.