Where is my son?

 After David died I began to write and write. Here are some words of despair.

Where is my son? What happened? How can David die? Why did he die? What is death all about? I am tired of all these mysteries. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of no answers. I am tired of everything. The routines of daily chores are boring. I want more. I do not know what I want. I do not know anything. I am lost. I am in the pit. I am in hell. I have no friends. I have nobody who understands. I do not understand. Why should I expect others to understand? This is senseless. I am tired of philosophizing so that I can survive. Why do I have to struggle everyday so that I can survive? Will I ever be able to live again as before? Will I be able to overcome the pain? There is no pain like this pain. It cannot be described. No one can feel it. No one knows that I am hurting as they cannot see it. It is only known by God. It is hidden in my soul and my heart. People tell me that I should be thankful that I had David for 30 years. These are people who have children who have not died. These are people who are in their seventies and who have lived long lives. These are people who had a smooth sailing all along. I wonder if they will be thankful if this happened to them. I wonder if they could say such a thing to anyone if they had experienced such a loss. I wonder if they can imagine such a loss!!!

Grief is Cyclic

Some of what I wrote in the past during my deepest sorrow.


There is something very sad when a young person dies. The loss is both for the one who dies and to those left behind especially the parents. The child who dies never gets to complete his life on this earth. He misses out on the many joys and sorrows that life offers, yet this is the fate of all mankind. Every man dies. In a way no matter how long one lives, the end is death. So maybe it does not matter in the long term. The parents on the other hand are devastated. They have to go on with the pain of the loss. 

In my case, I am changed forever. I will never be the same. I have become too emotional and I cry at the smallest thing. David is complete. He is safe and happy. I am in a million of pieces, fragmented and totally lost. Nothing seems to fill the void. The emptiness that I feel is awful. I am in despair. I anguish over everything. Life dealt me a big blow. 

In a million years I never imagined that I would bury my own flesh and blood. Oh how I yearn for him. I try to fill my soul and my mind with images and words of David. I go over every detail of our lives together. I cherish these memories. I go over pictures again and again in unbelief. I touch the pictures as if I am touching him. I touch his plants. I touch the walls that he painted and then I wail in despair. It is a continual cycle of memories and tears. My eyes have been hurting badly. They are always swollen and red. I keep saying to myself “How could this be”? My heart skips a beat. It is so unreal. The spark of life is extinguished and I just go through the everyday routines. I need to however reach a place of peace and to resolve my grief. The issues and questions that bother me need to be resolved and answered. Maybe in time some answers will emerge. I just had a long cry and my eyes hurt again. I need these cries so that I can function the rest of the day.

Advice to the Recently Bereaved Parent

When your child's candle burned out, you were left  in the dark grouping to find your way again. You have to go through the pain and there is no pain like this pain. Even though you will feel like you want to die, somehow you will survive. However you will struggle every day to make it. You will be dissatisfied with life because the one you love is gone and you will forever long for him/her. Any occasion or celebration that you are involved in will be a mixture of sorrow and joy. You will ask many questions, but there are no answers. People will offer you solutions, but there are no solutions. You will worry that in time people will forget your child. Trust me your child will never be forgotten. Just take it day by day. Do not worry about tomorrow. Try to live in the moment. Everything that you thought was important is no longer important. You will see life in a different way. Be good to yourself. Nothing that you do will change anything. Remember that you did the best that you could. You should not feel guilty about anything. Your child knew that you loved him and you were loved  in return. You can keep your child safe in your heart. As long as you are in the flesh, you will hurt. Your heart is bleeding and healing will take a lifetime. You will see so many things that will remind you of your child. You will hear your child's music and cry. You will watch your child's favorite TV programs and cry. You will see young people who resemble your child and cry. Yet you will be thankful that your child was a part of your life even though for just a short time. The value of life is not to be measured by the number of years, but by the impact that your child's life had on others. Your child will be missed terribly.

I cannot tell you how to do it. Each one of you has to find your own way. I know that keeping busy helped me as well as walking. Sometimes when I was about to bust I just walked. It is as if I was walking my grief away. I found that the car was the safest place for me to cry and scream. I think that tears are helpful. At times I could not function unless I cried first. I sat a lot and did nothing. I was fatigued. They say that grieving is the hardest work that one can do. You are going to feel that life has no meaning anymore and that you have no purpose. It is OK to feel that way. I used to say to the Lord while crying “Lord anything, but not my son”. I had a hard time going to church as every hymn brought tears to my eyes. I remember when I heard “Rock of Ages” I just could not stop crying. My eyes still drain as if they leak. When I hear the hymn “Be still my soul” I tell the Lord how can I be still when my soul is raging. I experienced anxiety and my legs shook. At times I could hardly breathe. When I was desperate, somehow the Lord sent someone or something happened that allowed me to survive. It is a daily battle. I was told that I needed counseling and I went for a year. It did not solve anything. You need to find someone who is willing to listen to you. I must admit that time does not take the sting away, but it lessens the frequency of tears and will give you some relief. If I did not have the Lord and nature I would not have survived. I thank the Lord for the beauty of his creation which has become more pronounced after the loss. The people that I thought would be there for me were not. I was amazed at the strangers who were more helpful than the so called friends. Everyone is going to tell you to be strong. You don’t have to be strong. You have earned the right to be whatever you want to be.

Questions

The other day I decided to read some of the diary notes that I have written and I realized that there were many questions that I have asked with no attempt to answer them as there are no answers.

What am I to do now that David is gone? Is there any more purpose to my life? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever do anything without thinking of him? Will I ever not feel guilty that I am alive and he is dead?

Why did this have to happen? Why did I lose him at such a tender age? Why am I destined for pain? Will the pain ever go away? Why was his life cut short? Why? Why? Why? Will I ever have peace again? How could he die? How could David be here one day and now he is not here? Can I change what happened? What would my life be like had David not died? How could life be so harsh?

Why did it have to be this way? Why didn't things work out differently? How could this be? Where is he? What happened? How about all the people who use drugs and do not die? How can I accept this loss?

Will I feel the way I felt before David died? When will that happen? Who knows? Will I be whole again? Do I want to be whole again? Why can't I feel whole again? Why do I continue to feel so alone?

Do I appreciate the fact that I am alive? Do I cherish life? Why do I continue to want to die? Can I live my life with a broken heart and enjoy life at the same time? How can I just live again and enjoy life? Will I live again?

What mother does not worry about her child? How could one child consume me so much? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I put David to rest and let him sleep in peace? Why can't I just go on with what is left? Will I hug him again?

Why can't I yield and trust? Why am I not consoled even though there is eternal life? What is it that I believed in or believe in? Why can't I be satisfied with the infinite God? Why can't I allow Him to fill my life with peace and joy?

Why should I plan for tomorrow? Why do we struggle so much and for what? Do I continue to go on? How can I turn things around? Is there an escape? What good does this do me?

Why is it that people know the answers and I do not seem to have a clue? How can I do what others tell me when my whole being is saying and feeling otherwise? How can anyone judge any other person?

What will be left if I lose my grief?