After David died I began to write and write. Here are some words of despair.
Where is my son? What happened? How can David die? Why did he die? What is death all about? I am tired of all these mysteries. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of no answers. I am tired of everything. The routines of daily chores are boring. I want more. I do not know what I want. I do not know anything. I am lost. I am in the pit. I am in hell. I have no friends. I have nobody who understands. I do not understand. Why should I expect others to understand? This is senseless. I am tired of philosophizing so that I can survive. Why do I have to struggle everyday so that I can survive? Will I ever be able to live again as before? Will I be able to overcome the pain? There is no pain like this pain. It cannot be described. No one can feel it. No one knows that I am hurting as they cannot see it. It is only known by God. It is hidden in my soul and my heart. People tell me that I should be thankful that I had David for 30 years. These are people who have children who have not died. These are people who are in their seventies and who have lived long lives. These are people who had a smooth sailing all along. I wonder if they will be thankful if this happened to them. I wonder if they could say such a thing to anyone if they had experienced such a loss. I wonder if they can imagine such a loss!!!