Grief is Individual and Private

The world is oblivious to my pain. No one can see inside of me. No one can experience what I am experiencing. No one can understand my pain.  It is unique for each person. Throughout the ages people are born and people die and life goes on, yet my life is altered. It is as if death caused a mutation in my soul. This has led to altered thinking and altered living. I see the brevity and vanity of life more clearly. Yet it is only one life and it is for a short period of time. The eternal is what I seek after now. Our days are numbered. Whatever they are has been determined from the beginning. It is so easy to philosophize and give advice when the person giving advice has no clue about the experience. That person cannot relate to the loss. We struggle and work hard to build a future and yet the ultimate future is transient. Death awaits each one of us. So why do we make such a big deal out of everything? I just need to smell the flowers and thank God for all the blessings that I still have. Sometimes I fear that I am going to lose what is left. There are no more guarantees.

A Former Student Stopped By

Yesterday one of my former students stopped by to see how I was doing. She recalled how I used to cry while giving exams to the students over David. She told me that I was the only teacher who left an impact on her. She actually made me feel like I can touch lives. David touched my life in so many ways and because of him I have become the person that I am now. The things that I did not notice before have become important to me now. The significant has become insignificant and the simple has become more important.

Highway to Heaven

When David died, I felt caught between heaven and earth. I therefore look at the sky many times on a daily basis. It has a healing balm for my soul and I feel connected to it. I often see lines in the sky and wish that I could ride them and reach my son. Today I saw what I wish for and decided to take a photo. To all who lost children, don't you wish that you could get on the path that leads to heaven? Don't you wish that you could reach your child and touch him or her? I will forever long for him and imagine that I could reach him someday.

Diary Notes

David died in August and I wrote this in November.
Another month without my David. The sadness grows as time moves. I do not know why he had to die and will never know why. My thoughts however do not match my feelings. I try to be strong and then I fail. How can I be strong when my son is gone? How can I go on with the trivial daily chores that have no meaning? I can’t stand it. I never realized how empty life could be. I feel so humbled by all this. I am nobody. I am nothing. I long for David and want to hold him. I continually have tears in my eyes. I have fears that I will not remember some aspects of his life. This is why I am trying to write as much as I can. His face I have memorized as well as his gentleness and love. I miss him so terribly and there is deep hole in my heart and soul.

I am tired

I am tired of trying to find reasons why my son died. I am tired of trying to figure out what to do next. I am tired of trying to keep extra busy in order to survive. I am tired of life. I am tired of everything. There is no thrill to anything. I am tired of being so lonely. I am tired of feeling all alone. I am tired of crying. I am tired of pain. I am tired of people telling me that David is in a better place. I am tired of being told that I am strong.  I need help. Sometimes I get periods of being OK, but these are so short. When I talk to people I feel OK at times and then I am alone again. I just cherish all of David. I cherish everything that he stood for. I cherish his beautiful soul. 

My Secret to survive

Early on in my grief the pain was so severe and the sorrow was relentless. To continue hurting did not make sense. I wanted to ease the pain. This is what I said to myself:  I can tuck David in my heart and talk to him as if he is with me. I can tell him all my secrets and no one else will know about them. We can still be together as long as I am alive. I will continue to talk about him to others and will keep him alive. I will let others know him through me. Try it, it helps.