New Awareness

I am so aware of things now that before David’s death I was not aware of them. The different clouds and hues in the sky allow me to gaze upwards for a long period longing to reach David and to touch him there. Yet, I cannot touch him. He on the other hand has touched my life and has changed it forever. I am at a stage now in my life where occasionally I do not feel the pain continuously and have a few moments of relief. At these times, I feel even guiltier and tell David that I am sorry and that I have to try to go on. I tell him that he will always be a part of me. I continue to struggle daily. I continue to function, but the zest and the spark of life is gone. The glow and the shine have become dull, but the pain lingers on.

Grief is Individual and Private

The world is oblivious to my pain. No one can see inside of me. No one can experience what I am experiencing. No one can understand my pain.  It is unique for each person. Throughout the ages people are born and people die and life goes on, yet my life is altered. It is as if death caused a mutation in my soul. This has led to altered thinking and altered living. I see the brevity and vanity of life more clearly. Yet it is only one life and it is for a short period of time. The eternal is what I seek after now. Our days are numbered. Whatever they are has been determined from the beginning. It is so easy to philosophize and give advice when the person giving advice has no clue about the experience. That person cannot relate to the loss. We struggle and work hard to build a future and yet the ultimate future is transient. Death awaits each one of us. So why do we make such a big deal out of everything? I just need to smell the flowers and thank God for all the blessings that I still have. Sometimes I fear that I am going to lose what is left. There are no more guarantees.

Thoughts and Feelings over the Loss

Thoughts and Feelings over the Loss

By Leila Koepp

I wrote this a year and two months after David died.

It is cold and cloudy. I did not have a good night. I woke up several times with David on my mind. I kept thinking that I am determined to keep him alive. In my heart he will thrive and thus death will be conquered that way. Death is awful and disgusting especially when a young person is taken away. I never looked at death so closely before. I took it for granted as the norm. When David died everything normal became abnormal. Chaos entered my life. The whole world changed. I changed and the people I know changed. They became elusive and strange. When I needed support they were not there for me.

 I am learning many hard lessons through this tragedy. It is the biggest and most devastating experience of my life. I feel so sick so many times. My guts especially have a continual anxious and butterfly feeling. It is so uncomfortable and so annoying. I do not know when I will return back to being me again. I do not know who I am now. I do not know what I want to be. I do not know if I want to be anything. At school students have been very supportive. They seem to care. They try to make me feel better. The depth of sorrow is with me in the classroom. It is with me wherever I go. A minor incident could set me off and I cry relentlessly. The tears will forever flow.  

When I garden, I remember how he used to help me pluck the weeds. My tears are falling now as I write these words. I can’t stand it anymore. I wish that things were different. I for some reason cannot accept what happened. I cannot live my life without David. I am experiencing gut wrenching pain at the moment. I don’t know how to escape this pain. I never realized how many people have suffered like this in the past. They survived. Are they ever as happy as before? I do not know. I cannot know. I will never know. I just have to wish my days away, till we meet again

 My emotions ebb and flow. One day I wake up fine and as the day progresses, my sorrow builds up and then I go crazy, yell, scream and cry my heart out. Other days I wake up in tears and cry before I can get anything done. Yesterday I was a mess. I cried all the way to school. Today I saw a small jet going up and up into the sky so far that it could reach the crescent moon that was still visible in the daytime. I longed to be on that jet and imagined myself going up to see David. I never realized how deep the bond is between us. I keep questioning the loss and why God allowed David to leave us so young. Yet at the same time I do not understand why God takes other young people who would have impacted the world in a great positive way as well. “Every man dies” keeps ringing in my ears. I cannot forget that God is faithful even though my anger blinds me at times. A student left me a sweet note after the final “I am deeply sorry for your loss; I can only imagine what you are going through. Just know that he is with God, a better place”. That caused the tears to flow again. Tears for David will never dry.