The Christmas Season

The Christmas season brings memories of joy and pain at the same time. I remember the happy day when my son David was born in December and when we placed him in a stocking under the tree as he was our Christmas gift. I remember how we decorated the Christmas tree just in time for his birthday.  I remember the joys of his childhood as he opened presents. I remember the excitement and anticipation and the smiles and laughter that we shared.  I remember the joys of the past and wish that things were different. Now my home is quiet and sad. My son is not with us and the emptiness is so clear that it sends a dagger into my heart and soul each time we gather together. Our family is no longer complete. Instead of memories however, my eyes want to see him again. My hands want to touch him again. My lips want to tell him how much I love him. My ears want to hear his voice. 

Christmas Sorrow

Every Christmas I continue to sorrow. “I will be home for Christmas” brings tears to my eyes. My son will never ever be home again. I am tired of saying that he lives within my heart. I want him physically so badly. Knowing that this will never happen in this lifetime makes my soul rebel even more against death and its horror. My soul says “I do not want to celebrate another Christmas without him”.

Grief Books

After my son died, I began to read and read about grief. I found many books about grief. Many of these books are written by professionals in the field. They talk about grief as being work. They describe the stages of grief with no feeling or emotion and what should one do or not do. The information is cold and boring as they could not point to the pain and despair that I was experiencing and still experience. They could not because they did not lose a child and have no clue about these feelings. The books that helped me the most were written by parents who lost children. I began to write articles for the Compassionate Friends. These were published monthly. Finally I put them in a book titled "Topics in Grief" by Leila Koepp. It is on Amazon.

Desperate Sadness

I am often desperately sad. The sorrow remains my companion. I imagined the world would have been different. I have lost dreams, emotional aches, and have a constant vague sense of annoyance that something is wrong.  I often wonder if my sorrow and sadness annoy others. I try to be careful. I try to hide it, however tears can tell.

I have been stubborn in my grief

I realize that I have been stubborn in my grief and refuse to listen to what others say that I should do or what I should say or what I should wear or what I should be. I do what helps me feel better even though I do not feel whole. As I go on I am experiencing a new way of living which is so different from the old way. It allows me to live more fully and at a higher plane of existence. 

 

He is tucked in my heart

There is nothing that I can do for David. I can however learn a lot of lessons from his life and continue to cherish him throughout my life. I can spread his message of love and kindness. I can talk about his giving spirit, about his loyalty and about his great love. My love for him is grounded in my soul. I will never forget his presence at important and critical occasions and his concern and caring. His beauty will remain with me and I can reach him all the time as he is tucked safely in my heart.

I Pretend

I pretend that I am fine when I am with people and then when I am alone I scream, yell, cry, and wail. It seems that there is no consolation in this type of loss. People think that as time goes by I should feel better as if my son is coming back. I miss David more as time goes by, and the loneliness is so severe even when I am with many people. My voice changed and even the look on my face has changed. At times, I cannot bear it. As the weather changes and September arrives, I begin an emotional journey of tears. I despair even though I am told not to despair. My pain does not change anything and sometimes I think that it is so stupid to grieve and yet I cannot help myself.

Comfort

After losing David many tried to comfort me.

When I speak to some about my loss, they tell me that they just read in the paper that a young person was just killed in a car accident or that some young person died due to cancer or drugs. Some people try to comfort me by telling me that they know a woman who lost two children or that a woman lost her only child. Others tell me that he is in a better place and that it is the will of God. Many have told me that this is life and others have it worse than me. No matter what I do or think or analyze grief follows me and tears have not ceased and the pain persists. I am now being told that I am stuck in my grief. Don’t they know that as long as I live I will mourn my son? I know who I am and when I continue to experience profound sadness that no one else can feel, why should I always be questioned about my feelings? 

Love means stay

Almost three years later since the loss, I was playing on the bed with my grandson Robbie, singing, jumping and laughing. We played for almost an hour when suddenly my husband Stephen came to the room and told me that it is time to go home. Immediately Robbie’s face became serious and somewhat sad. He quickly blurted out these words:  “Why Teta, I love you”.  (Teta is what Robbie calls me. It is equivalent to grandma). In other words, Robbie was saying to me: How could you leave me? Don’t you know that I love you? Immediately I realized that a little child knows what love is all about. Love means stay. Love means together. Love knows no separation. Love is eternal. Real love is forever. My love could not accept David leaving me so suddenly, as Robbie did not want me to leave him so suddenly.

David touched my life

David touched my life in so many ways. Because of him, I have become the person that I am now. The things that I did not notice before have become important to me now. The significant has become insignificant and the simple has become more important.

I have changed

David’s loss is too drastic for me and it has created a big gap between how I feel and how the rest of the world feels. They have no idea as to how I have changed and how their words which were normal once seem absurd to me now.

Why do I Continue to Garden?

Why Do I Continue to Garden?
After losing my son David, I almost died from the pain ad sorrow. One way that I dealt with the loss was to create gardens which kept me sane. There is a healing aspect to gardening. I surround myself with beauty which dissipates some of the pain. Try it. It works.

I Look for Him

I look for him among the flowers when I garden. I look for him in my kitchen and when I am sitting by the fire place. I look for him at every celebration and when family gathers at special occasions. I look for him while driving the streets where he used to be. I look for him when I see a German shepherd go by. I look for him when I hear one of his favorite songs or when I see someone play the guitar. I look for him among young people who are so much alive. I look for him when I gaze upon the sky.  I look for him when I watch the sunset over the sea. I look for him at daybreak when the sky turns to fire and the dawn arrives. I look for him in the moon and the stars. I look for him in the different hues of the clouds which allow me to gaze upwards for a long time longing to reach him. I look for him when I see a butterfly come by and when a bird sings. I see his reflection in many things and sometimes want to grasp him, but I realize it is not he.

My passion for him and my pierced heart will forever continue to seek him. Yet silence surrounds me and I often wake up in the night and weep. So as I journey along life’s paths, I seem to feel as an alien among the crowds. I move alone from place to place and carry my lonely heart along with me. I am often drawn to nature hoping to find my lost treasure there.

After the day’s exhaustion I embrace sleep as a gift supreme that restores me to face another day without him.