New Awareness

I am so aware of things now that before David’s death I was not aware of them. The different clouds and hues in the sky allow me to gaze upwards for a long period longing to reach David and to touch him there. Yet, I cannot touch him. He on the other hand has touched my life and has changed it forever. I am at a stage now in my life where occasionally I do not feel the pain continuously and have a few moments of relief. At these times, I feel even guiltier and tell David that I am sorry and that I have to try to go on. I tell him that he will always be a part of me. I continue to struggle daily. I continue to function, but the zest and the spark of life is gone. The glow and the shine have become dull, but the pain lingers on.

I Look for Him

I look for him among the flowers when I garden. I look for him in my kitchen and when I am sitting by the fire place. I look for him at every celebration and when family gathers at special occasions. I look for him while driving the streets where he used to be. I look for him when I see a German shepherd go by. I look for him when I hear one of his favorite songs or when I see someone play the guitar. I look for him among young people who are so much alive. I look for him when I gaze upon the sky.  I look for him when I watch the sunset over the sea. I look for him at daybreak when the sky turns to fire and the dawn arrives. I look for him in the moon and the stars. I look for him in the different hues of the clouds which allow me to gaze upwards for a long time longing to reach him. I look for him when I see a butterfly come by and when a bird sings. I see his reflection in many things and sometimes want to grasp him, but I realize it is not he.

My passion for him and my pierced heart will forever continue to seek him. Yet silence surrounds me and I often wake up in the night and weep. So as I journey along life’s paths, I seem to feel as an alien among the crowds. I move alone from place to place and carry my lonely heart along with me. I am often drawn to nature hoping to find my lost treasure there.

After the day’s exhaustion I embrace sleep as a gift supreme that restores me to face another day without him.

Highway to Heaven

When David died, I felt caught between heaven and earth. I therefore look at the sky many times on a daily basis. It has a healing balm for my soul and I feel connected to it. I often see lines in the sky and wish that I could ride them and reach my son. Today I saw what I wish for and decided to take a photo. To all who lost children, don't you wish that you could get on the path that leads to heaven? Don't you wish that you could reach your child and touch him or her? I will forever long for him and imagine that I could reach him someday.

The Sky

I look at the sky many times on a daily basis. It has a healing balm for my soul and I feel connected to it.  I have tenderness towards it as if I am reaching for what I have lost. 

Since David died, I often look at the sky. I see it now with new eyes. I realize that it is for everyone to look at and to enjoy a free view of its majesty. It seems to be my daily food. It offers perpetual comfort, exalting my heart and soothing it. At the same time it offers longing to be with David. Sometimes the sheer beauty of the sky brings tears to my eyes and makes me miss my son even more as he cannot share its grandeur with me.

The sky is the home of every heart. We need to look upwards until we realize that earth and heaven are not so far separated from each other. We must never lose the skyward look. We should never fly low; instead we must try to soar even though our wings are broken. The earth is not our home.