The Sky

I look at the sky many times on a daily basis. It has a healing balm for my soul and I feel connected to it.  I have tenderness towards it as if I am reaching for what I have lost. 

Since David died, I often look at the sky. I see it now with new eyes. I realize that it is for everyone to look at and to enjoy a free view of its majesty. It seems to be my daily food. It offers perpetual comfort, exalting my heart and soothing it. At the same time it offers longing to be with David. Sometimes the sheer beauty of the sky brings tears to my eyes and makes me miss my son even more as he cannot share its grandeur with me.

The sky is the home of every heart. We need to look upwards until we realize that earth and heaven are not so far separated from each other. We must never lose the skyward look. We should never fly low; instead we must try to soar even though our wings are broken. The earth is not our home.

 

Losing a Child Distinguishes Me from Every Parent Who has not Lost a Child

Having lost David distinguishes me from every parent who has not lost a child. These parents are fortunate and do lack my perspective on life. They do not know how I feel. They mean well, but they just do not know. They tell me to be strong. They tell me that they feel for me. They tell me that the pain will dull. They tell me that my son had gone to a better place. They don’t know that I want David here and not somewhere else even though it may be a better place. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want people to give me any advice. They cannot unless they have had a similar experience.

There is an absence and a horrible silence in the house. There is a longing for David beyond description. There will never be the same happiness in my life as before until I hold David again someday. People ask me if I am still going to therapy. As if therapy is going to work like magic, which is going to take my pain away. I realize now that nothing works. How could it? How could anything work when my life blood is taken? How could I become whole again? I might reach a stage where I will get better, but I will never be the same complete person as before. I know it. I feel it in my soul.

Diary Entry from November 1, 2004

David died in August 2003. 

November 1, 2004, another month without my honey. The sadness grows as time moves. I feel a bit better today so far. I am going to trust that God knows the beginning from the end and that he allowed this to happen. I do not know why and will never know why. My thoughts however do not match my feelings. I try to be strong and then I fail. How can I be strong when the love of my life is gone? How can I go on with the trivial daily chores that have no meaning? I can't stand it. I never realized how empty life could be. I put so much energy all my life to succeed and be successful for my family and I failed everything. I feel so humbled by all this. I am nobody. I am nothing. It is 10 pm and I am extremely sad. I long for David and want to hold him. I continually have tears in my eyes. I have fears that I will not remember some aspects of his life. This is why I am trying to write as much as I can. His face I have memorized as well as his gentleness and love. I miss him so terribly and there is deep hole in my heart and soul.