When David died I was
full of confusion. This is what I wrote one day in my diary regarding how I
I see many paradoxes since David died.
I will always have David with me and no one can see us together. However, as I
drive, I see empty streets and empty everything. New
friends have emerged and old ones disappeared. David seems to be more alive now
than when he was physically present. I feel him and talk to him. I do the
things that I know would make him happy. I see him in nature and every where.
I am discovering that the people who have suffered are the
ones who speak the right words and give the very advice that I am longing for.
They had to pay a price that made them so skillful in binding my wounds and
drying my tears.
Whenever I see someone that I have not
seen for a while, their only comment is that I look good. It is as if I am
supposed to look like a rag because I lost my son. Often people ask me as to
how I am feeling. I say that I am fine. It is because I am afraid to tell them
otherwise as I would fear that they would use the lingo that I am “stuck in my
grief” or I am “not letting go” or that “I should see someone”.I do not dare tell them about the
excruciating pain that visits me on a daily basis. I dare not talk about my
swollen eyelids due to the continual leaking of tears on a daily basis. I dare
not talk about the deep sense of loss and void that surrounds me. I dare not
express the loneliness that fills my heart and soul on a daily basis. I dare
not talk about the feelings of despair that come and go. I dare not talk about
feeling dislodged from this earth with no roots to hold me down. I dare not
talk about the deep longing of being reunited with my son.
I continue to hurt over the loss of David despite the passage of time.
Regarding my grief, my biggest dilemma is not understanding
the magnitude of the grief despite my faith and all of God's promises. Why do I
hurt so badly and on a daily basis? Why do I feel so lonely and so incomplete?
Why do I tear daily? Why hasn't the pain subsided? I am accused of rebelling
against God by some and that adds to my pain. I try to hide the pain. I try to pretend that everything is normal. I just don't know anymore.
one of the recent grief groups that I attended the leader had an article on
“Necessary Losses” which was the theme for that meeting. I was disturbed by it.
People talk about” moving on”; “letting
go”; “the new normal” and using language like “necessary losses”. I do not like
the lingo that is being used. Just like there is lingo for alcoholism and drug
abuse there is lingo for grief. We seem to be stuck with certain words and do
not use our own real feelings to express the truth. There is nothing wrong with
saying that you do not want to let go of your child. How could you? He is a
part of you. You are forever connected. Yet if you say that in front of others
they think that you are” stuck in your grief” and that you are not” moving on”.
I continue to work and function as before, but I am not going to pretend that I
did not lose my son. I do not consider that a “necessary loss” to make me
better and to gain something from the loss. I could gain something from many
other experiences in life, but it does not have to be through the death of my
precious and only son. Of course I look at life differently and of course I
have changed and of course I feel more connected to God and nature. That does
not mean that my loss was necessary.