Despair

I wrote this 5 years after David died. It took me 9 years before I became somewhat sane.

I feel down again. I am in tears. I do not know what to do. I do not want to live like this. I want what I had. I cannot accept life without David. I am furious. I am mad. I am angry. I am broken. I am beside myself. I am devastated. I am hurt. I am wounded. I am bleeding. I am dying. I am not me. I do not know who I am. I am nobody. I am nothing. I am less than nothing. I am empty. I am void. I am not ready to start all over. I am tired of trying to overcome this pain. I am tired of everything. I cannot face the days any longer. I am bored with life. I am sooooooooooooooo sad. I am so unhappy. I am so tired of pretending. I am ready for something miraculous to happen. There are no miracles. I am without faith right now. I do not know how to pray anymore. I do not know how to hope anymore. I do not understand what I have written all this time. There is no meaning to anything anymore. 

When David died

Sometimes for some reason I felt that David was still alive and I could not separate from him. I continued to struggle with all kinds of ideas and feelings about this massive loss. I continued to bleed internally as if the blood will not stop flowing. I was so emotional most of the time. It was so hard to not have David with us. I went through fits of rage and despair. I sometimes did not know how I could go on and how I survived so far. All the fixes that I had were temporary. They did not do the trick. I often called people in order to get over the despair. Yet the cycle of despair continued to go on and on.

Now as time rolls by, I continue to experience sorrow and despair at times. I continue to cry over him. It is a daily ritual. However, I admit that intervals of pain are much shorter and less frequent. I learned to live again rather than just exist. I learned to appreciate every breath that I take. I learned to see beauty in everything. I learned to care for others. But most of all I realized that my love for David will never die.

Why do I continue to be sad?

It is because my very soul refuses to give up David. He is a part of me and yet he is absent physically. I think of him on a daily basis and my soul rages over not being able to hold him, hug him or touch him. I think of the way things used to be and I cling to those memories. I look at his pictures and my heart melts. The void is real. The loneliness is real. The despair is real. The love is real. Yet I manage to go on daily as if nothing has changed.
 https://topicsingrief.blogspot.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Topics-Grief-woman-who-lost/dp/1480224898/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1461776190&sr=8-1&keywords=topics+in+grief

Why do I garden?

When David died I went crazy and cried without stopping. I wailed and yelled and would not be consoled. Everything was dark and there was no hope to go on. When I was in deep despair I would go out for a walk or try to garden. I designed a new garden and named it “David’s Garden”.  I would dig in the dirt and just get lost in the beauty of nature. Gardening connected me to God and to my son. Flowers dissipated the gloom within my soul and brought sudden joy through my downcast spirit. They put on a glow of many colors, all dressed in beauty and wonder. The air was all perfume from their scent. People walk by and admire the garden and I get to talk to them about my son. 

I dare not

Whenever I see someone that I have not seen for a while, their only comment is that I look good. It is as if I am supposed to look like a rag because I lost my son. Often people ask me as to how I am feeling. I say that I am fine. It is because I am afraid to tell them otherwise as I would fear that they would use the lingo that I am “stuck in my grief” or I am “not letting go” or that “I should see someone”.  I do not dare tell them about the excruciating pain that visits me on a daily basis. I dare not talk about my swollen eyelids due to the continual leaking of tears on a daily basis. I dare not talk about the deep sense of loss and void that surrounds me. I dare not express the loneliness that fills my heart and soul on a daily basis. I dare not talk about the feelings of despair that come and go. I dare not talk about feeling dislodged from this earth with no roots to hold me down. I dare not talk about the deep longing of being reunited with my son.