Despair

I wrote this 5 years after David died. It took me 9 years before I became somewhat sane.

I feel down again. I am in tears. I do not know what to do. I do not want to live like this. I want what I had. I cannot accept life without David. I am furious. I am mad. I am angry. I am broken. I am beside myself. I am devastated. I am hurt. I am wounded. I am bleeding. I am dying. I am not me. I do not know who I am. I am nobody. I am nothing. I am less than nothing. I am empty. I am void. I am not ready to start all over. I am tired of trying to overcome this pain. I am tired of everything. I cannot face the days any longer. I am bored with life. I am sooooooooooooooo sad. I am so unhappy. I am so tired of pretending. I am ready for something miraculous to happen. There are no miracles. I am without faith right now. I do not know how to pray anymore. I do not know how to hope anymore. I do not understand what I have written all this time. There is no meaning to anything anymore. 

Be True to Yourself

When David died I became powerless, and was stripped of my self worth. I was left hollow, and my sense of identity crumbled as well. These feelings were confirmed by the fact that people avoided me because of my loss.

The death of my son has thrown me into the darkest days of my life. It is so difficult to write about my feelings as words cannot begin to describe the pain. People avoid me and therefore I try to mask my inner self and pretend to be normal. Yet by doing so I know that I am not true to myself and that makes me sad and unhappy. I cannot live a lie because by doing so I will destroy my soul, and my self worth. Therefore I decided to be me. I will no longer pretend to be the person that I am not.