The Hawk

When David died my husband began to associate the sighting of a hawk as a sign for seeing David. He would sit on the deck and look at the sky and say: “Talk to me David, talk to me”. Often a hawk would come by, do a fly by and then leave, and he would feel consoled as if David gave him a sign that he was safe. I then began to associate the hawk with David as well. Many times whenever I think of him, I see a hawk either flying or perched on a tree. 

Many times the hawk appears when I am making a major decision as if David is reassuring me that I made the right call. The other day I went to see a friend of mine whom I have not seen for a long time. The minute I arrived as her house a big hawk came flying by and perched on a light post. This is what I captured. He stayed there for a long time and then he took off.

The hawk has become our sign for David. We look and search for hawks whenever we drive and wherever we are. We gaze at the hawk until he disappears. Often the hawk flies close by and circles around for a long time and I just gaze and gaze in awe at the beauty of such a creature and long for my son as I look upwards towards

the sky. 

Wishes

Why is it that I cannot describe what I am feeling? Now that the weather is getting beautiful and spring time is arriving I seem to be more emotional and more sad. I am really surprised that the pain has not subsided but seems to reemerge at a constant frequency. I cannot fathom the absence and the loss of David. I still cannot believe that he really died. I hate everything. I do not want to go on at times. I still scream and wail quite a bit. I go through periods of despair. I often want to give up on everything and then I reconnect and get busy doing this and that in order to get distracted from the void and the loss. I seem to have difficulty agreeing with anyone as to how I should feel or what to do and how to live.

 I wish that I was not one of those unlucky mothers who had to bury her lovely son. I wish that my life was more docile and quiet. I wish that my soul was less restless. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could see a reason for losing David. I wish that my life was not so bitter. I wish that my heart would heal. I wish that my soul would be filled with joy again.  I wish that my world was not altered so drastically. I wish that I could talk to David and hear his voice. I wish that we would hug again. I wish that we could sit on the deck together and converse as before. I wish that I could see him driving on the streets as before. I wish that he would make me a pizza as he used to.  I wish that I could die at times and yet I want to live at other times. I wish that I could wish the pain away. I wish that I could have something that would cure me from my sad feelings and would restore me to what I used to be before losing David.

 Nothing is going to fulfill any of these wishes. I will go on wishing my life away. Then I think that it is so stupid to grieve. It is not going to change anything. Yet, I cannot help myself. My whole being is revolting. I would be so much better off if I just accept what happened and go on with my life. Yet what happened is unacceptable to me. I thought that children buried their parents and not the other way around. This is backwards. It is against nature. My daughter Melanie always says to me “mom, it is what it is”. She is right, but I wish that “it isn’t what it is”.