Wishes

Why is it that I cannot describe what I am feeling? Now that the weather is getting beautiful and spring time is arriving I seem to be more emotional and more sad. I am really surprised that the pain has not subsided but seems to reemerge at a constant frequency. I cannot fathom the absence and the loss of David. I still cannot believe that he really died. I hate everything. I do not want to go on at times. I still scream and wail quite a bit. I go through periods of despair. I often want to give up on everything and then I reconnect and get busy doing this and that in order to get distracted from the void and the loss. I seem to have difficulty agreeing with anyone as to how I should feel or what to do and how to live.

 I wish that I was not one of those unlucky mothers who had to bury her lovely son. I wish that my life was more docile and quiet. I wish that my soul was less restless. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could see a reason for losing David. I wish that my life was not so bitter. I wish that my heart would heal. I wish that my soul would be filled with joy again.  I wish that my world was not altered so drastically. I wish that I could talk to David and hear his voice. I wish that we would hug again. I wish that we could sit on the deck together and converse as before. I wish that I could see him driving on the streets as before. I wish that he would make me a pizza as he used to.  I wish that I could die at times and yet I want to live at other times. I wish that I could wish the pain away. I wish that I could have something that would cure me from my sad feelings and would restore me to what I used to be before losing David.

 Nothing is going to fulfill any of these wishes. I will go on wishing my life away. Then I think that it is so stupid to grieve. It is not going to change anything. Yet, I cannot help myself. My whole being is revolting. I would be so much better off if I just accept what happened and go on with my life. Yet what happened is unacceptable to me. I thought that children buried their parents and not the other way around. This is backwards. It is against nature. My daughter Melanie always says to me “mom, it is what it is”. She is right, but I wish that “it isn’t what it is”. 

Diary Notes November 5, 2003

November 5, 2003. It is 5am. It is raining. I heard a hymn that said even if you don’t understand, lift up your eyes and believe the One who holds the purpose of His plans. I wake up every morning realizing that something is missing in my life. I wake up sad. I wake up wondering if I can make it today. I light the candle and I look at his pictures and I yearn for him. I still cannot believe that David is gone forever. It is a nightmare. It is the biggest disaster of my life. I keep asking the question “How could this have happened to us?” Where did we go wrong? I wish that I had a chance to say goodbye. Now I have to start thinking differently about life. Where do I go from here?  I think of how David loved life and I sob. I think of David’s favorite food and I sob. I think of his gentle and loving person and I cry. I anguish and mourn daily. I feel destroyed by this. I actually feel physical pain. Once in a while my heart skips a beat. There is a moment of fear that comes now and then. I continue to see his image in my mind. My muscles ache. I look at the Coca Cola girl lithograph and remember how much he loved that print and how he wanted it someday. How I wish that I could give him everything. I regret not giving him a graduation party before he finished his last course. My last hug was the Friday before he died as he came back from the beach. He seemed so happy and excited about life. I never dreamt that he was so close to death. Oh how I wish that I had not lost him. I want him back so badly. I know that I cannot have him, but I continue to wish anyway. It is hopeless wishing. It is useless wishing, but it is wishing anyway. I do not make sense, but how could I. Nothing makes sense anymore. Every minute, every hour is consumed with thoughts of him. His presence surrounds me.  I put the table that he told me never to sell in the living room with his plants on it. It looks nice. The tears just started flowing again. My soul is heavy with grief. My heart aches all the time. I thank God for David and for the nice soul that he gave me. His gentle and kind person, make me yearn for him even more.