Diary Notes November 5, 2003

November 5, 2003. It is 5am. It is raining. I heard a hymn that said even if you don’t understand, lift up your eyes and believe the One who holds the purpose of His plans. I wake up every morning realizing that something is missing in my life. I wake up sad. I wake up wondering if I can make it today. I light the candle and I look at his pictures and I yearn for him. I still cannot believe that David is gone forever. It is a nightmare. It is the biggest disaster of my life. I keep asking the question “How could this have happened to us?” Where did we go wrong? I wish that I had a chance to say goodbye. Now I have to start thinking differently about life. Where do I go from here?  I think of how David loved life and I sob. I think of David’s favorite food and I sob. I think of his gentle and loving person and I cry. I anguish and mourn daily. I feel destroyed by this. I actually feel physical pain. Once in a while my heart skips a beat. There is a moment of fear that comes now and then. I continue to see his image in my mind. My muscles ache. I look at the Coca Cola girl lithograph and remember how much he loved that print and how he wanted it someday. How I wish that I could give him everything. I regret not giving him a graduation party before he finished his last course. My last hug was the Friday before he died as he came back from the beach. He seemed so happy and excited about life. I never dreamt that he was so close to death. Oh how I wish that I had not lost him. I want him back so badly. I know that I cannot have him, but I continue to wish anyway. It is hopeless wishing. It is useless wishing, but it is wishing anyway. I do not make sense, but how could I. Nothing makes sense anymore. Every minute, every hour is consumed with thoughts of him. His presence surrounds me.  I put the table that he told me never to sell in the living room with his plants on it. It looks nice. The tears just started flowing again. My soul is heavy with grief. My heart aches all the time. I thank God for David and for the nice soul that he gave me. His gentle and kind person, make me yearn for him even more.