Friday, May 16, 2014

Diary Notes

This was written almost a year and a half after I lost precious David.

February 2, 2005, today I did not wake up as sad as yesterday. I am sad however. I am tired of people telling me that I am depressed. A broken heart is what I have. I ache. I hurt. I am sorry that I lost my precious son. I just can’t accept it as the norm and just go on with my life as if all is fine and dandy. It is not fine. It will never be fine. It will never be like before. There is an emptiness that no one can fill. No matter how hard I try to recover and say life goes on, it does so, but not the same way. David will never see the sun shine in the daytime or the moon and stars at night. I hurt at the thought. It makes me so mad that he is cut off. I am actually furious. I am the angriest that ever was. I try to turn to faith and acceptance, but it does not comfort me to the level that I am normal again. I do not think that I will ever be normal again. How could I be normal? I lost part of me. There is no way that I can get that part fully back. I am not satisfied to just have memories despite the fact that I am thankful that such a thing exists. David should not have died. I think that my faith is shattered because I lost him. I want to reconnect with people, but find it difficult to do so at times. I see the shallowness and trivia of life more than before. I am tired of people rattling the same lingo that they hear over and over again when someone dies. They do not know because they do not feel the pain that I am feeling. How could they feel the same way? They did not lose their treasure, their precious son, their hope for the future. I do not blame them. However, I wish that they would only say that they are sorry, or just give me a hug. The sting of death continues to pain me. I taught and then ran to the grief group. It was good. We talked about our children and that made us all feel better for the time being.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

A Mother's Love

As a mother who lost a son, I was inspired to write this article as a tribute to all mothers who have lost a child. 

After I lost my son David, I was told by many that losing a child is like losing a limb which cripples you for a while. I feel that losing a child is more than that. It is like losing a vital organ such as your heart or your lungs.  Your heart is broken for life, it is wounded and bleeding, and sometimes you can hardly breathe.

The reason for this devastation is because a mother’s love is greater than any other love except for God’s love. It is the mother who carries the child in her womb. The child is part of her being and existence. The mother and child will forever be connected. Mother’s love is knowledge of acquaintance. You feel the love. You cannot describe it to anyone else. There is an immortal beauty to this kind of love.

It is the mother that nurses her child. The Bible uses the mother as the ultimate example of love and compassion towards her child in Isaiah 49:15 “Can a woman forget her nursing child, so that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea they may forget, yet will I not forget thee”. God knows that a mother cannot forget her child and that is why he uses this example. Then why is it that some people expect us to forget and to go on with our lives? Don’t they know the Scriptures? As mothers we will never forget our children as they are part of our integral being.

When the child gets hurt, it is the mother who gives the most comfort to the child. This is why the Bible again uses her as the example for comfort in Isaiah 66:13 “As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you…” Yet a mother cannot be comforted when she loses her own flesh and blood as seen in Matthew 2:18 after Herod slaughtered the innocent children. “In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachael weeping for her children and would not be comforted, because her children are not”. There is no comfort for this kind of pain. The wound is always there. There is no end to love and mourning when you are a mother since the two are connected. Eventually you will learn to live with the pain and to thank God for giving you the child that He took away from you.

As a mother who lost my son, I realize that some people never have that much to lose. I therefore feel blessed to be his mother. I wail for him. I feel sorry for him because he did not get to fulfill his life on this earth. I want to hold him and comfort him and yet I cannot. I will continue to be his mother even in death. This is why I will forever mention his name and talk about him whenever I can. My son will always be a part of me. I can therefore never lose him. What a paradox!