If I had thought

If I had thought that David would die. If I had thought that time would be over for him. If I had thought that I will no longer see his beautiful face. If I had thought that he would smile no more. If I had thought that when I speak to him he would not answer. If I had thought that he will never hug me again. If I had thought that I will never hear him call me “mom” again. Could I have changed anything?

I never thought that I would shed so many tears. I never thought that sorrow will be with me forever. I never thought that I would yell and scream in the car. I never thought that the pain would be so brutal. I never thought that the pain would return on a daily basis. I never thought that I would be so lonely. I never thought that my world would be empty. I never thought that nothing would console me. I never thought that I would be so devastated. I never thought that I would lose my identity. I never thought that I would feel so abandoned. I never thought that people would avoid me just because I lost my son. I never thought that grieving would make me so fatigued. I never thought that I will be in such despair. I never thought that I would want to die. I never thought that I would feel that I do not belong here on earth. I never thought that the sky was as beautiful as it is now. It draws me towards my son. I never thought that I would be so hurt. I never thought that my broken heart will never mend.  I never thought that my longing for my son will be permanent. I never thought that nature would console me more than people. I never thought that death was so terminal. I never thought that my son is more alive in my heart now that he is absent from the body. I never thought that I would ever bury my son. I never thought that I will continue searching for my son on this earth knowing that he is nowhere to be found. I never thought that he will be constantly in my thoughts and that everything that surrounds me reminds me of him.

 Why is it so painful? Why do I not settle this loss? Why do I feel so abandoned? Why do I grieve so deeply? David is the reason. We two were connected in a special way. He was such an integral part of my life. I still feel so lost without him. I am beside myself. I do not know where to go. I do not know how to escape this sorrow. I do not know if there is a cure. I do not know if I can ever be me again. I do not know why I had to lose such a beautiful son. I don’t know how to bring my faith above my circumstances. I do not know how to forget the physical aspect of life and just try to live in the eternal sphere. How stupid it is to grieve. Nothing is going to restore the situation back. Nothing will ever bring my son back. Yet my heart continues to bleed. There is no escape. The loss is so massive and irreplaceable. I wish that I could start all over again. Life does not give me such a chance. I do not know what to do or where to go.

There is nothing that I can do for David. I can however learn a lot of lessons from his life and continue to cherish him throughout my life. I can spread his message of love and kindness. I can talk about his giving spirit, about his loyalty and about his great love. Love is forever and will never leave. It is grounded in my soul. I will never forget his presence at important and critical occasions and his concern and caring. His beauty will remain with me and I can reach him all the time as he is tucked safely in my heart.

Diary Notes November 2003

    When David Died I started a diary. This is an entry in that diary that describes the devastation.

  November 3, 2003. I feel the grief every moment. I try to keep busy just to let the moments go by. I have become acquainted with grief. I concluded that no one can feel the pain that someone is going through unless they have experienced a similar loss and even then the feelings are going to be different. These feelings will depend on the relationship that the loved one had with the bereaved. The closer the relationship, the greater is the pain. I am struggling between the human and the spiritual. As a human, I think of all the things that David missed out on and my heart breaks. I anguish when I see young people. I anguish when the day is beautiful. I anguish when I eat something that David loved. I anguish all the time. When I think spiritually, I realize that all we have is time. Time will pass on and we all will be gone some day. Yet time is so precious. God gave us this life to enjoy. He blessed us with so many good things. David lost all this. My heart aches. I know that all that I am writing is not organized. Maybe it will make sense someday when it is put together. David was a special boy. He is the sensitive kind, the kind of boy that gets hurt easily. He also was a dreamer. He wanted to become so many things. He wanted to be a basketball player at one time. He tried acting. He tried computing, carpentry, and pizza. Yet when he did something he was very good at it. He loved the arts and nature. I am going to miss his presence at family gatherings. In a way I believe that part of the loss is due to the fact that we did not have a real extended family. His dad taught him how to fish and he did spend time with him. I am tired from grieving. I feel wasted. I still cannot comprehend the massive loss. As I think about it I become desperate. I do not get comfort as the days go by. I still feel sick as the image of his face is implanted in my memory. When I went upstairs to go to bed, all of a sudden, I started crying and could not quit. I basically threw a fit and wanted to die. I finally went to sleep.