A Mother's Anguish

I often feel sick both physically and emotionally over losing David.  I am so sad and the pain is excruciating. How am I going to spend the rest of my life without him? I cannot imagine that I will be able to do so. Oh how I hate what happened. Oh how I yearn for David. Oh how I ache all over. Oh how desperate I am. I can’t imagine a world without him. I am tired of rationalizing in order to survive. I am tired of trying to look at life differently in order to make myself feel better. I am even angry at having to look for the eternal in order to survive. I want the tangible and the now. I want David. I want David. I want David. Oh my David how I miss you. Oh how I love you. Oh how I yearn for you. I need to talk to you. I need to hear you talk back to me. I am desperate in my pain.. I am lost. I am empty. I am hurting. I could scream. My soul continues to rage and there is so much anger in me right now. Someone told me that instead of asking why I need to realize that God knows best. Yes He does, but that does not take the pain away. I am in pain. I am bleeding on the inside. I feel like dying.

My Empty House

As I sit in my empty house, I often reflect over and over again about the whereabouts of David when he lived with us and about what he did. I see his empty chair by the stove and my heart skips a beat. I see his empty seat on the couch in front of the TV and tears fill my eyes. I imagine him at gatherings in the dining room and I scream. In the kitchen I see him standing near the sink talking to me about his recent adventures and dreams and my heart melts. By the stove I recall him asking me to cook his favorite meals and I wish that I could. I imagine him coming up the driveway with his German shepherd to great me and I ache all over. I hear his comments about the beautiful flowers in front of the house and my soul bleeds. I often see him painting the walls in the house and I touch the walls as if I am touching him. I see him fixing what needed to be fixed around the house and I wish that he would fix my broken heart. I hear him coming up the steps looking for me and I am filled with sorrow. I hear him singing in the shower and I yearn to hear his voice again. Most of all I imagine him sitting on the deck chatting with us and telling us what a beautiful day it is. Now my empty house is silent. You can only hear the beating of my heart and the falling of a tear drop.  

When Do I Mourn?

Not only do I mourn for my son, but I also mourn for what I have become, a mother without a son. I mourn every time I see mothers and sons. I mourn when I see fathers and sons. I mourn when I see brothers and sisters. I mourn when I see nephews and nieces. I mourn that my grandson lost a most loving uncle. I mourn when I see young men that are full of life and strength. I mourn whenever I am around young people who seem to be celebrating a happy occasion. I mourn when I go to weddings or funerals. I mourn when holidays come and go. I mourn when a baby is born. I mourn when I see beautiful things such as a flower or the sunset and the sunrise. I mourn when I hear a bird sing. I mourn when I look at the sky. I mourn when the seasons change. I need as much time as possible to mourn, to reflect and to try to heal. Facing the unknown, crying in the car, following my heart is routine. I realize that sorrow walks beside me wherever I go and whatever I do. I doubt if I will ever be whole again.

Unspeakable Pain

When it comes down to it, the loss is great and is forever. No matter what anyone says, it is the saddest thing that happened to us. Losing David is devastating. I miss him more and more as time goes by. I try to go on with my life, but this is not the life I knew before. It has a big piece missing from it. There will always be a gap and a hole that no one else can fill. I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I did not have to go through this pain and agony. I wish that I could be restored to the same level as before the loss. Yet how could this be? There is no way that I could go back to what used to be. I miss his person. I miss everything about him. I miss his voice and hugs. I am tearing as I write these words. Why do I continue to feel such pain? What happened to the eternal view? Why do I write things and then realize that it is all words. Words and thoughts do not remove the pain. I am thankful for the moments when I do not hurt so badly. I am thankful that I can sleep at night even though many times I am restless. I dread getting older without him. I miss all the love that he gave me. I wish that I could describe the feelings that I experience better. How can I describe them? Words cannot do it as it is something that is unspeakable. Only God can know how I feel as He knows the heart. I think of God giving up His son to die for us on the cross and then I realize that I do not have the strength that God has to endure this pain. I thank God for nature and the flowers and birds. The beauty of the sky and the creation have sustained me as well. They seem to draw me closer to David. His spirit is so vivid and his beauty is so visible to me. I am sick of cruel explanations as to why I feel the way I do. I have no clue and yet everyone else seems to know why.