Despair

I wrote this 5 years after David died. It took me 9 years before I became somewhat sane.

I feel down again. I am in tears. I do not know what to do. I do not want to live like this. I want what I had. I cannot accept life without David. I am furious. I am mad. I am angry. I am broken. I am beside myself. I am devastated. I am hurt. I am wounded. I am bleeding. I am dying. I am not me. I do not know who I am. I am nobody. I am nothing. I am less than nothing. I am empty. I am void. I am not ready to start all over. I am tired of trying to overcome this pain. I am tired of everything. I cannot face the days any longer. I am bored with life. I am sooooooooooooooo sad. I am so unhappy. I am so tired of pretending. I am ready for something miraculous to happen. There are no miracles. I am without faith right now. I do not know how to pray anymore. I do not know how to hope anymore. I do not understand what I have written all this time. There is no meaning to anything anymore. 

Nothing Works

The pain is still as deep and the hurt is awful. My yearning for David reaches a point of despair many times. I see him as more beautiful every day. He seems to become more and more lovely with time. His beautiful character makes me miss him even more.  I get angry at times and miss the love so much. I rationalize and nothing works.

I am Told

I write and write in order to survive the pain.

I am told that trials are only for a season. I am told that after the storm there is calm. I am told that after the rain there is sunshine. I am told that after the night there is the day. I am told that the darkest night will have the brightest stars. I do not feel the calm or the peace. My soul is still raging. I am terribly angry. I am at a loss. I do not want to go on. Everything seems so futile. I feel dislodged and uprooted. I feel blown by the wind and tossed away on the rocks. I feel lost and have no hope of being found. I feel like I am going through the fiery furnace and am being burned. The pain is unbearable. The despair is even worse. The reality of the permanency of the situation makes me boil with anger. The hopeless feeling that I can do nothing to reverse it destroys my will and my whole being.

 I know that a few people feel for me, but for the most part, I feel alone. I think that people go on with their lives and that my calamity is just mine. I cannot understand how the world can continue to go on in the same manner as if David did not die. I cannot fathom this aspect of life. I yearn for him. I probably have written the same stuff over and over again. I cannot help how I feel. I cannot imagine ever being happy again. I am tormented and tortured. The pain is even greater because of the lack of support at times. I went to school and did my teaching. I felt no enthusiasm or interest in what I was doing. I just wanted to come home to David even though he is not there physically. I must be crazy, but I feel his presence in the house. I feel him with me.