This year we had a
very mild winter in the Northeast. Ten days ago when the sun was shining and
snow bells were blooming, I looked out of the window and I saw my first robin
on the grass. All of a sudden a flock of robins arrived to join him.I was overwhelmed with sorrow and began to
cry as robins indicate the soon arrival of spring.
As the seasons change they always bring sorrow to my soul
especially spring and fall. There is something extra special about springtime
as everything is full of life. The flowers bloom, the trees bud, the sun
shines, the days are longer and everything seems to be alive.I am reminded that my son is not here to
enjoy this wonder of nature and its beauty. As I hear the birds sing with all
their heart, I wish that I was as happy as they are.
David enjoyed beautiful days. He
would say “It is a kicking day”. I too enjoy
all the beauty of nature, the flowers, the birds, the music, the sunset, and
the stars to name a few. Now I seem blind and deaf to their effects at times.
My soul is tormented and my heart is heavy. I continue searching for peace and
calm. I keep getting the same answers that without suffering, we are robbed of
the essence of life. Suffering is supposed to bring the best in us. It is
supposed to cleanse our soul and let the beauty shine within and without. We
are supposed to reach the point when we can sing and have joy despite the pain
and the suffering. I am looking forward to reaching this point, but it seems so
far away and even unreachable.
Losing my son was really the first real sorrow that I had
and it is so hard to bear it. I feel insane at times as grief takes hold of me.
All the light of joy of life seemed to have gone from me. I have sobbed in
secret and I know that my life has been altered forever. The beauty of
springtime awakens many feelings within me, feelings of joy and sorrow
I grieve, I cry, I wail, I scream, I sob, I yell, I pull my hair, I beat my chest, I then sleep. I wake up and the cycle continues. Because I love much I hurt a lot.
There is no end to sorrow when you lose your child. I lost David. The number of years does not matter. Time stands still. Memories continue to emerge. The pain never goes away. The missing increases as time goes by. In time people seem to forget about the loss. They do not mention it. They do not remember his birthday or anniversary. They do not talk about what he did or used to do. They act as is he was never on this earth. Yet as a mother he is daily with me. I see him everywhere even though he is nowhere. I ask him "why did you go away?" Daily he occupies my soul. Daily I look for him. Daily I remember him. He becomes more beautiful day by day.
I often ask myself “Why did David die?” I try to figure it
out and I always come to the same conclusion that I don’t know, and that I will
never know. Yet I keep on trying to know what can never be known.
I will never know why some people die so young and some live
long lives. I will never know why an earthquake claims some lives and spares
others. I will never know why children die of cancer or why a tree falls and
kills someone. Life does not make any sense. Sometimes I think that I do not
need to know, but that I need to only trust. Yet something in me never gives up
the search for knowing the “why?”