Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Forever in my heart

Although David left us, my world continues to be luminous long after he has been out of sight. He cannot die out of my world. He has left much of himself behind. As long as I love, I will feel him and see him everywhere even though he is nowhere.

Everywhere I go I am surrounded and am reminded of him.  When I look at the sky he is there. When I hear a bird sing he is there. When I see the stars he is there. When I hear a song he is there. When I see the flowers he is there. When I see a butterfly he is there. Beautiful things remind me of him as he is beautiful. No matter what I do or where I go he is there. He continues to be an integral part of my being and forever will be in my heart. 

Friday, December 25, 2015

“Immanuel, which, being interpreted, is God with us”. Matthew 1:23

  In Isaiah 7:14 we read: “Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold the virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel”.

This prophesy of the virgin birth of the Lord Jesus was fulfilled when Jesus was born in Bethlehem and was laid in a manger. It establishes His deity from the beginning. Now is the season to celebrate one of the most wonderful holidays ever. It is the birthday of our King and Savior. Wherever I go, I see decorations and people going to and fro shopping for the perfect gift to give to their loved ones. I hear the bells ring and I listen to the songs and hymns of the season and I cannot help but shed thankful tears for the most wonderful gift of all.

The season brings memories of joy and pain at the same time. I remember the happy day when my son was born in December and when we placed him in a stocking under the tree as he was our Christmas gift. I remember how we decorated the Christmas tree just in time for his birthday.  I remember the joys of his childhood as he opened presents. I remember the excitement and anticipation and the smiles and laughter that we shared.  I remember the joys of the past and wish that things were different. Now my home is quiet and sad. My son is not with us and the emptiness is so clear that it sends a dagger into my heart and soul each time we gather together. Our family is no longer complete. Instead of memories however, my eyes want to see him again. My hands want to touch him again. My lips want to tell him how much I love him. My ears want to hear his voice. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Are People numb to Death?

I continue to reflect over statements that people say.  I get so upset sometimes as to what I hear and then I realize that they do not know what they are saying. I think that people have become numb to death as we see it on a daily basis and in large numbers. We hear about soldiers dying in war and about bombs blowing up and killing many people at the same time. We hear about earthquakes destroying millions. We hear about car and airplane crashes. We hear about shootings and stabbings on a daily basis. All the news is full of death and people look at it as part of everyday happenings. However when death hits you personally it is a different matter. It is the biggest blow of your life. The loss grips your whole soul. It is devastating. Your whole life is turned upside down. It does not matter how one dies. The loss is awesome no matter what. However people try to make a difference.

I question everything and yet I am told that I have no right to question. I have to accept this as God’s will. I know that God is in control. I believe that God allowed this to happen. I still question however and ask WHY? WHY???? Am I destined to suffer? Maybe that is the answer. I would give my soul just to hold David one more time. Why did he go? I am anguishing over him.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015


 This was written in my diary 5 months after David died 
 It is a warm day in comparison to other days. The day was quiet. After teaching I broke down on my way home and cried a lot. I continue to see no value in living at this time. I am bored with life. I have no goals or purpose. I think of David continuously and do not want to accept the loss even though it is real. The "neverness" of the situation angers me. I will never see him again on this earth. I will never hug him. I will never laugh with him, talk to him and expect him to talk back to me. Never is a tough thing to accept. I went upstairs and looked for family pictures. I saw how happy our family was. In a way we were an ideal family.  I cried my heart out and went to sleep.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

David's Birthday

Today is David’s birthday. He would have been 43. After reflecting over his life, this is what David’s message would be to all of you: “Every bit of life is so thrilling and important”. I therefore recommend that you live each day to the utmost as life is a gift.

Monday, December 7, 2015

The Coffin

David died in August 2003. This was written in my diary on January 30, 2004.

It is dark and very cold outside. I could not sleep any longer. I woke up with a subdued spirit and sadness. I often think of David lying in his coffin with the total powerlessness of the head laid motionless, the rigidity of the repose, the quietness and gloom of the coffin, indicating how lonely this must be. My heart skips a beat at the thought. I look up at the sky in search of him. Its appeal to me reminds me of what is immortal in us. It speaks to me more and more now than ever before. I see the bright glow as it gleams through the clouds reminding me of God’s glory and David being there and enjoying the goodness of the Lord. Today I cried loudly for David. My eyelids curl over and hurt. I am in more pain now than before.