Today is David’s birthday and my heart is broken. When it
comes down to it, the loss is great and is forever. No matter what anyone says,
it is the saddest thing that happened to us. Losing David is devastating. I
miss him more and more as time goes by. I try to go on with my life, but this
is not the life I knew before. It has a big piece missing from it. There will
always be a gap and a hole that no one else can fill. I wish that things could
have been different. I wish that I did not have to go through this pain and
agony. I wish that I could be restored to the same level as before the loss.
Yet how could this be? There is no way that I could go back to what used to be.
I miss his person. I miss everything about him. I miss his voice and hugs. I am
tearing as I write these words.
Why do I continue to feel such pain? What happened to the
eternal view? Why do I write things and then realize that it is all words, and
words and thoughts that do not remove the pain. I am thankful for the moments
that I do not hurt so badly. I am thankful that I can sleep at night even though
many times I am restless. I miss all the love that he gave me. I wish that I
could describe the feelings that I experience better. How can I describe them?
Words cannot do it as it is something that is unspeakable. Only God can know
how I feel as he knows the heart.
I try to reinvent my life. I thank God for nature and the
flowers and birds. The beauty of the sky and the creation has sustained me as
well. They seem to draw me closer to David. His spirit is so vivid and his
beauty is so visible to me. He is nowhere and yet he is everywhere. What a
paradox!!
