December 15, 2004 Diary

December 15, 2004, it is bitter cold but sunny. My emotions ebb and flow. One day I wake up fine and as the day progresses, my sorrow builds up and then I go crazy, yell, scream and cry my heart out. Other days I wake up in tears and cry before I can get anything done. Yesterday I was a mess. I cried all the way to school and then I happened to park by David’s car, which I gave to our secretary, and that made me go crazy. I got out and touched the car as if I was touching David. Later in the day I saw a small jet going up and up into the sky so far that it could reach the crescent moon that was still visible in the daytime. I longed to be on that jet and imagined myself going up to see David. I never realized how deep the bond is between us. I keep questioning the loss and why God allowed David to leave us at such a young age. At the same time I do not understand why God takes other young people who would have impacted the world in a great positive way as well. Who can understand the mind of the Lord? My thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways says the Lord. “Every man dies” keeps ringing in my ears. I cannot forget that the Lord id faithful even though my anger blinds me at times. A student left me a sweet note after the final “I am deeply sorry for your loss; I can only imagine what you are going through. Just know that he is with God, a better place”. That caused the tears to flow again. Tears for David will never dry.

My Diary

David Died on August 17, 2003. I started writing about my pain.

September 29, 2004,  I feel sorrow the minute I wake up. I will never ever feel the same as before the massive loss. Oh, how I yearn for David. I imagine him around me in the kitchen all the time. I wish that he could hug me again and I hug him too. I wish that things were different. I wish that life did not deal me such pain. I wish that I had the power to reverse things. I wish that I could get peace over this. I wish that I could feel comfort and get back into life. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could embrace life again. I wish that I could feel no pain. I wish that I could heal. I wish that I could find the thing that would make this loss bearable.

Mothers Day

The greatest commission on earth is to be a mother. The magic of motherhood is a wonderful role that we play in life. There are certain expectations from motherhood. A mother protects and guards her children. She nourishes them and cares for them even when they become older and self sufficient. A mother knows and feels when her child needs her.  It is as if a mother has a 6^th sense. As if there are vibes and extrasensory perception that only a mother feels. Does a mother quit being a mother when she loses her child?

  

As a mother I feel such loss and devastation on Mother’s Day.  I cannot conceive of my son being gone, no matter how many times I rehearse this fact. How do I do it? I think of all that we did together. I think of all the love. I draw on memories of my beloved son who has touched my life with his words, his deeds and the beauty of his character which sustain me through the day.

My Angel Collection

After losing my son David, I started collecting angels. I am putting some of these angels for you to see. Of course I consider my son as my angel.

They Said

My brother, Dr. Salim Haddad, wrote this poem after he lost his dear wife. Much of what he wrote I can relate to regarding the loss of my son David.

THEY SAID
 

They said, time heals, you will forget
That distant moment when you met
And walked upon the heavenly road
Without fear, without regret.

For she was like the morning dew:
Lingered a while and then withdrew
And she was like a long tale told
Till the dark fog hid her from view.

Then others said, the hurt will go,
As for when, you alone will know
Within a few seasons that pass
When farmers plough and reap and sow.

Yet others said, life must go on;
Journeys proceed when one is gone
Or dropped out from the long march home:
The fate of all when all is done.

Some said, she went to a safe place,
Much better than we all must face,
More happy than when here on earth,
With no pain or fear to embrace.

Others said, she went to her Lord,
The sure promise of His true word
That He will take His own to Him
In whatever method or mode.

But I still hurt and remember
Her last breath breathed that September,
The splendid days I was with her:
Light of my life, glowing ember.

Questions with no Answers

The other day I decided to read some of the diary notes that I have written and I realized that there were many questions that I have asked with no attempt to answer them as there are no answers. Below is a list of some of these questions. Maybe you might have some answers.

Why did it have to be this way? Why didn’t things work out differently? Why did I get this outcome instead of another outcome?

How could this be? Where is he? Will I hug him again?

What happened? How could this have really happened? Can I change what happened? Why did this happen?

Will I live again? How can I just live again and enjoy life? Will I feel the way I felt before David died? When will that happen? Who knows?

Do I appreciate the fact that I am alive? Do I cherish life? Why do I continue to want to die? Do I continue to go on?

Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I feel whole again? Will I be whole again? Do I want to be whole again?

Why? Why? Why?

What mother does not worry about her child? How could one child consume me so much? Why can’t I put David to rest and let him sleep in peace? Is it just me for not wanting to let go? Or is this so real?

Is there an escape? How can I turn things around?

Why can’t I just go on with what is left?

Why am I not consoled even though there is eternal life? What is it that I believed in or believe in?

Why should I plan for tomorrow? Why do we struggle so much and for what?

Why did I lose David? How could David be here one day and now he is not here?

Can I live my life with a broken heart and enjoy life at the same time?

Why is it that people know the answers and I do not seem to have a clue? How can anyone judge any other person?

How can I do what others tell me when my whole being is saying and feeling otherwise?

What would my life be like had David not died?

Why can’t I be satisfied with the infinite God? Why can’t I yield and trust? Why can’t I allow Him to fill my life with peace and joy?

Why do I continue to feel so alone?

How about all the people who use drugs and do not die? How could he die?

How can I accept this loss? How could life be so harsh?

What good does grief do me? What will be left if I lose my grief?