My Heart is broken and pierced on Valentine's Day

I would like to share my heart with you. I found this heart on Cape Cod. It is broken and pierced. It is smooth due to the waves that bombarded it for years. My heart resembles this one. My heart will forever be broken and pierced due to the loss of my lovely son David. My heart has softened with time like the rough stone. It has become smooth due to the storms and waves that have hit me relentlessly. It is softened by pain and sorrow. It is softened by tears.

Being Thankful

I can be thankful for what I have. I can be thankful even though my heart is broken. I can be thankful that what I once thought was significant has become insignificant and the simple has become more significant. I can be thankful that I have learned to live in the moment. David set me free. Most of all I am thankful for David even though I am furious that I lost him. I believe that we can be thankful and at the same time we can be sad, unhappy, upset and dissatisfied due to the constant knowledge that someone so precious has left us and has left a vacuum that no one else can fill.

Twelve Years Ago

Twelve years ago, my precious David left us.  My heart is broken and time could not soothe the tears or dry them. Being gone I have a more lively sense of his presence even though he is absent in the body. His spirit surrounds me and his love guides me. His beauty has become immortal to me and my love for him will never die.

Questions with no Answers

The other day I decided to read some of the diary notes that I have written and I realized that there were many questions that I have asked with no attempt to answer them as there are no answers. Below is a list of some of these questions. Maybe you might have some answers.

Why did it have to be this way? Why didn’t things work out differently? Why did I get this outcome instead of another outcome?

How could this be? Where is he? Will I hug him again?

What happened? How could this have really happened? Can I change what happened? Why did this happen?

Will I live again? How can I just live again and enjoy life? Will I feel the way I felt before David died? When will that happen? Who knows?

Do I appreciate the fact that I am alive? Do I cherish life? Why do I continue to want to die? Do I continue to go on?

Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I feel whole again? Will I be whole again? Do I want to be whole again?

Why? Why? Why?

What mother does not worry about her child? How could one child consume me so much? Why can’t I put David to rest and let him sleep in peace? Is it just me for not wanting to let go? Or is this so real?

Is there an escape? How can I turn things around?

Why can’t I just go on with what is left?

Why am I not consoled even though there is eternal life? What is it that I believed in or believe in?

Why should I plan for tomorrow? Why do we struggle so much and for what?

Why did I lose David? How could David be here one day and now he is not here?

Can I live my life with a broken heart and enjoy life at the same time?

Why is it that people know the answers and I do not seem to have a clue? How can anyone judge any other person?

How can I do what others tell me when my whole being is saying and feeling otherwise?

What would my life be like had David not died?

Why can’t I be satisfied with the infinite God? Why can’t I yield and trust? Why can’t I allow Him to fill my life with peace and joy?

Why do I continue to feel so alone?

How about all the people who use drugs and do not die? How could he die?

How can I accept this loss? How could life be so harsh?

What good does grief do me? What will be left if I lose my grief?