Saturday, September 20, 2014

Diary Notes 10 Months After the Loss

 I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on. I want to die because of David and yet I want to live because of my husband, daughter and grandson. I am so confused and tormented. I did laundry and spoke to a woman about David. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbreakable and the tears do not dry. I read a bit but could not sleep. After supper I saw a movie and heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can't be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people said to me in an effort to make sense out of David’s death. None of it made sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. Yet how can I accept this. It is unacceptable. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

A New Skyline 9/11

After 9/11 the twin towers disappeared. They just simply vanished and so did the hopes and dreams of thousands if not millions of people. There was a new skyline in New York. In lieu of the towers every year beams of light are erected on that special night in the form of the towers to replace what was lost. These lights will never replace the real thing. They are not the same. They will never be the same. However they are a reminder and a symbol of what can never be replaced. Unlike the real towers these beams of light can only be seen in the dark. Since I live in the area near where the towers existed, I can see the lights every year. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering due to the evil that was inflicted upon them.

When my son’s candle burned out, I was left in the thickest darkness grouping for the unknown. These times of darkness are full of complexity and confusion. At times there seems to be no light in the path. Then I realize that God is guiding me in the dark. It is these dark days that have allowed me to see more clearly than before. I am realizing that in the light our eyes are unable to discern as effectively as in the dark. I can see what others do not see. Most of what I learned came in the darkest hours of my life. I am learning to trust God in the dark.

At The Compassionate Friends meetings I hear the term “the new normal”. I actually do not like the phrase, but it is used a lot today by so many people. There is no such thing as normal when you lose your child. It does not matter if it is old normal or new normal. The child that came from your own loins, rested on your bosom and was your delight vanished like the towers did. It is abnormal, absurd, backwards and reversed when you bury your child. Children should bury their parents and not the other way around. Since I cannot return to the kind of world that existed before David died nothing can be normal again. However I must rise above what happened. I need to do what I once thought was impossible. I must rebuild my world with a new skyline.

What is this new skyline? I am not really sure. However, I believe that it is different for each one of us. I always had zest for life. Since David died I lost this ability to enjoy living and began to simply exist. As I grieve I realize that no amount of grieving is going to bring my son back to me. How do I then begin to live intensely as opposed to simply existing? To live I need to have a new skyline that makes me realize that life is beautiful. I need to cherish each moment as life is a gift. I must put sense, worth and hope into life, without which life is meaningless. It is a skyline that I only can see as I look into my heart and soul. I can picture it in my mind and can become the person that God wants me to be. I can become a part of nature and all that my eyes can behold. I can lift my head high and aspire for what is beautiful and true. I can live with the fact that my love for David is deathless.