Diary Notes 10 Months After the Loss

 I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on. I want to die because of David and yet I want to live because of my husband, daughter and grandson. I am so confused and tormented. I did laundry and spoke to a woman about David. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbreakable and the tears do not dry. I read a bit but could not sleep. After supper I saw a movie and heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can't be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people said to me in an effort to make sense out of David’s death. None of it made sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. Yet how can I accept this. It is unacceptable. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.

Mixed Dreams and Pain

Diary Notes

I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on.  I am so confused and tormented. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbearable and the tears do not dry. I later read a bit but could not sleep. I heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can’t be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people use to make sense out of David’s death. None of these make sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.