Sunday, March 25, 2018

I was transformed by the loss of my son

I was transformed by the loss of my son. Yet the transformation is for the better. I buried the person that I used to be and I have emerged as a new person with nobler qualities than I ever had before. My thought processes have changed. I am not afraid if people misunderstand me. I do not waste time thinking about what people might say. I desire what is beautiful. I look forward to the future with more self-confidence and more faith. I am not limited by the boundaries of time. I do not hide my sorrow and pain any longer. I realize that what my heart yearns for I cannot have or touch. I therefore hold all earthly things lightly and press on towards eternity.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Be Still

After David died, I heard the hymn; “Be Still and Know that I am God” This statement appears as a verse in Psalm 46:10.

How can I be still when my flesh and blood is in the grave? How can I be still when I lost my most precious gift? How can I be still when part of me died? How can I be still when nothing makes sense? How can I be still when my will is broken? How can I be still when I feel the way I do? How can I be still when I am tormented? How can I be still when my whole being is shook? How can I be still when everything around me has changed? I am in a state of flux. I am in a state of change. Everything changed when my son died. The whole world is no longer the same. I am not the same. I will never be the same. The way I think is different. The way I respond to people is different. I just pray that the good that is promised from this entire calamity will surface soon as I cannot take it anymore. The suffering due to this loss is unimaginable and even indescribable. The pain that grips my soul is mixed with fear and despair.
I feel breathless at times.

Monday, March 12, 2018

As Time goes by

As time rolls by, I continue to experience sorrow and despair at times. I continue to cry over my son. It is a daily ritual. However, I admit that intervals of pain are much shorter and less frequent. I learned to live again rather than just to exist. I learned to appreciate every breath that I take. I learned to see beauty in everything. I learned to care for others. I learned to live in the present and not the past or the future.