I was transformed by the loss of my son

I was transformed by the loss of my son. Yet the transformation is for the better. I buried the person that I used to be and I have emerged as a new person with nobler qualities than I ever had before. My thought processes have changed. I am not afraid if people misunderstand me. I do not waste time thinking about what people might say. I desire what is beautiful. I look forward to the future with more self-confidence and more faith. I am not limited by the boundaries of time. I do not hide my sorrow and pain any longer. I realize that what my heart yearns for I cannot have or touch. I therefore hold all earthly things lightly and press on towards eternity.

As Time goes by

As time rolls by, I continue to experience sorrow and despair at times. I continue to cry over my son. It is a daily ritual. However, I admit that intervals of pain are much shorter and less frequent. I learned to live again rather than just to exist. I learned to appreciate every breath that I take. I learned to see beauty in everything. I learned to care for others. I learned to live in the present and not the past or the future. 

Thoughts While on a Cruise

This was written in January 2014 while on a cruise.

Now that we are at the end of our lives, I plan to live to the fullest taking advantage of each moment as time is fleeting. I do not plan to waste my life on myself but on helping others and doing what is best for most. I will continue to write about David and to promote his beautiful person and character. It is a goal of mine never to give up as many want me to especially since it has been 10 years. How can I forget my son? Time does not take away what is forever mine. He is a part of me. Our souls are connected.

As I look at the sky from the ship I feel him. He is in the clouds and the sunrise. He is in the sunset and beyond the horizon. He is everywhere I am as he is a part of my being. I long for a tangible and visible image of himself which I will forever hope for knowing full well that it will never be here on this earth.

Why did life deprive me of a beautiful treasure? Why did I have to lose him? Why? Why? Why? Should I accept what happened? I have tried but it is unacceptable. Losing my son is abnormal. It is the reversal of nature. It is absurd. It is wrong. The young should precede the old. The young is the future. The young is hope. The young is life.

 I keep reflecting over the same thoughts and the same ideas with no answers and no change. This loss is permanent. Nothing on earth can restore it. I often think of David and his beauty and he is always associated with tears. Why can’t I think of joy at the same time? I say to myself that I am happy at times but I am never whole. I actually do not live in fear and worry about much. Every day is a new adventure and beginning. I live in the realm of the unknown anticipating new delights that I have never experienced before. My son has enriched my life in a way beyond words. He has added meaning to everything that I do and say. I often look at people and wonder what they feel or what they are thinking or whether their lives have meaning especially while cruising.