Thoughts About The Loss

I gave this article to my colleagues before returning to teach after a semester off. It might be something that some of you, who have recently lost a child, could use.

I wish that David had not died and I want him back so badly. He was very important to me. I hope that you will not be afraid to speak his name. If I cry when you talk about David, it isn’t because you have hurt me. David’s death is the cause of my tears. I will be grateful if you will allow me to talk about him and to share my grief. Grieving is the hardest job that I will ever do. It is exhausting. Grieving is not contagious. Please do not shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I know that you think and pray for me often. Please let me know through a phone call, a note or a hug. I wish that you would not think that my grief will be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me. I hope that you will understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of David until the day I die. I will never not remember him, ever. I am trying hard to recover, but you need to understand that I will never fully recover, and will always miss David and will always grieve that he is dead. I am not asking for pity. I just want you to let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I struggle daily and might be doing OK, but I do not feel OK. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness is what I am experiencing which are normal reactions to grief. David believed in hope. He often said to me “mom, hope is a good thing, it is the best of things, and good things never die.” I hope that you will understand when I might be quiet, withdrawn, and cranky or irritable. I was told to “take one day at a time”. I would be doing well if I can handle one hour at a time or one moment at a time. Grief has changed me. I am not the same person I was before I lost David, and I will never be that person again. I wish that you would understand my loss, my grief, my tears, my void, my loneliness, my pain. BUT I pray that you will never understand.

Thoughts While on a Cruise

This was written in January 2014 while on a cruise.

Now that we are at the end of our lives, I plan to live to the fullest taking advantage of each moment as time is fleeting. I do not plan to waste my life on myself but on helping others and doing what is best for most. I will continue to write about David and to promote his beautiful person and character. It is a goal of mine never to give up as many want me to especially since it has been 10 years. How can I forget my son? Time does not take away what is forever mine. He is a part of me. Our souls are connected.

As I look at the sky from the ship I feel him. He is in the clouds and the sunrise. He is in the sunset and beyond the horizon. He is everywhere I am as he is a part of my being. I long for a tangible and visible image of himself which I will forever hope for knowing full well that it will never be here on this earth.

Why did life deprive me of a beautiful treasure? Why did I have to lose him? Why? Why? Why? Should I accept what happened? I have tried but it is unacceptable. Losing my son is abnormal. It is the reversal of nature. It is absurd. It is wrong. The young should precede the old. The young is the future. The young is hope. The young is life.

 I keep reflecting over the same thoughts and the same ideas with no answers and no change. This loss is permanent. Nothing on earth can restore it. I often think of David and his beauty and he is always associated with tears. Why can’t I think of joy at the same time? I say to myself that I am happy at times but I am never whole. I actually do not live in fear and worry about much. Every day is a new adventure and beginning. I live in the realm of the unknown anticipating new delights that I have never experienced before. My son has enriched my life in a way beyond words. He has added meaning to everything that I do and say. I often look at people and wonder what they feel or what they are thinking or whether their lives have meaning especially while cruising.

Bereaved Parents Response to Topics in Grief

"A huge thank you to Leila Koepp for expressing how I think a lot of us really feel. I feel like copying 'How are you feeling today?' and handing it out to everyone I know. I think the gut wrenching truth of it was beautiful because of its pure honesty." Melody

"I have learned from Leila that we should not hide our grief but to open up and speak. This is the best remedy for healing." Twila

The story that touched my heart and made me cry and understand how my daughter feels, was titled, 'How do you do it?'" June

"In reading her articles, my heart is always comforted by the words of Leila Koepp. She seems to understand exactly what I am feeling, and her words echo my thoughts." Charisse

"All her stories come from the heart, as truthful as she possibly can be. Even the anger as so many are afraid to share...God knows our hearts and He is a loving, forgiving God." Mary Ann

"I have been blessed with huge nuggets of peace from Leila's writings because she genuinely opens her heart, allowing the rest of us to share her pain as she guides us in our travel down the road of sorrow. She explains things in heartfelt ways that the layman can understand. Although none of us wishes to be on this road, I am grateful to be sharing it with her; because of her writings it is also a road of hope." Debbie

"Leila's articles provide me with hope. Hope that I will be reunited with Brian. They provide me a renewed faith in the belief that God is in our lives and was there when Brian died. They provide me with a perspective on my grief from one who has experienced the same deep level of grief. They provide me with comfort." Joe

As Time Rolls By...

As time rolls by my yearning soul is devastated by longing for a voice, a touch, a smile, a whisper from my precious son. I am just tired of this life that lost a lot of its meaning. I can’t believe as to how altered I have become. I am beyond consolation. I am beyond repair. I am crying out for help, but no one is listening. People think that I am getting better, but I feel that I am getting worse. The spark is gone from my eyes, my face and my heart. To have to endure this torture on a daily basis has sapped my energy. My beloved son is gone and my tears have been shed and my soul is dead and I dread going on any longer. How unfair it all is. I do not care if people tell me that this is life. I do not care if others have died and that should console me. It does not. I am tired of keeping busy just to keep busy in order not to go crazy. Nothing seems to satisfy. I envy those who do not have this burden. I wish that I could go back to what was. I wish that I could recover from this pain and sorrow. I wish that there is some magic trick that could restore me back to what I used to be like. I wish that there is some hope of a better life here on earth. The hope that I have is futuristic and will be realized when I too shall leave this world and be reunited with my son.