Should you see a therapist after losing your child?

When I lost my son David I was so sad. Many told me that I must see a therapist in order to feel better. They told me that I was depressed. I told them that I was not depressed but that I was in deep sorrow and pain. After nagging me so much I began to believe them. So I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and went to see him for about a year once a week. Initially I thought that he was going to cure me. I thought that there was a solution that would release me from the pain. I thought that he had the answers that would make me feel better.

Every time that I went to see him, he would ask me: "How are you feeling today?" I would go over my pain and sorrow and unbelief over and over again and he would listen. After each session I would feel a bit better, but the feeling did not last as the pain returned again and again. So one day I decided to express how I feel and I wrote the following:

"I feel the anger and the rage that I am almost experiencing on a daily basis which seems to sap all my energy. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. My heart is bruised and is bleeding. My soul is raging within. I feel a thick black veil covering my bleeding heart. I feel crushed and trodden over. I feel empty, lost and in a vacuum in this world. I do not know who I am at times. I feel displaced and that I do not belong here on the earth. I feel the sorrow dragging its way through days and returns with the same routine of hopeless agony. I feel sadness and heaviness of soul. I feel the sorrow the minute I wake up. This sorrow is beyond consolation. I feel the darkness of despair and deep loneliness. I feel so alone in my sorrow and desperate in my pain. I feel abandoned, without strength or responsibility. I could be among a million people and still feel lonely. This emptiness that I feel is awful. I feel like yelling “NO”. I feel less than nothing at times. I feel humbled by death. I feel that I am brought to a place of despair, of nothingness. I miss the special love that David gave me and the unconditional approval that I felt with him. I never felt less than I am with him, but always more than I was. He made me feel special. I feel the brutal pain that grips my soul like a claw and does not let go. I feel like dying at times. I feel like crying on a daily basis and the tears flow continuously. My eyes hurt and are often swollen. I feel sorry for myself. I feel fatigued even before the day has begun. I feel anxious, sick and weak. My guts experience butterfly feelings and I shake at times. My muscles feel like rubber. Sometimes I can hardly breathe."

After I realized that there is no cure to my pain and sorrow, I decided to quit seeing the therapist. I realized that talking to anyone who would listen is very helpful in easing some of the pain. So why pay for therapy when you can get the same effect by talking to someone else who would listen? 

 

Thoughts About The Loss

I gave this article to my colleagues before returning to teach after a semester off. It might be something that some of you, who have recently lost a child, could use.

I wish that David had not died and I want him back so badly. He was very important to me. I hope that you will not be afraid to speak his name. If I cry when you talk about David, it isn’t because you have hurt me. David’s death is the cause of my tears. I will be grateful if you will allow me to talk about him and to share my grief. Grieving is the hardest job that I will ever do. It is exhausting. Grieving is not contagious. Please do not shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I know that you think and pray for me often. Please let me know through a phone call, a note or a hug. I wish that you would not think that my grief will be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me. I hope that you will understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of David until the day I die. I will never not remember him, ever. I am trying hard to recover, but you need to understand that I will never fully recover, and will always miss David and will always grieve that he is dead. I am not asking for pity. I just want you to let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I struggle daily and might be doing OK, but I do not feel OK. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness is what I am experiencing which are normal reactions to grief. David believed in hope. He often said to me “mom, hope is a good thing, it is the best of things, and good things never die.” I hope that you will understand when I might be quiet, withdrawn, and cranky or irritable. I was told to “take one day at a time”. I would be doing well if I can handle one hour at a time or one moment at a time. Grief has changed me. I am not the same person I was before I lost David, and I will never be that person again. I wish that you would understand my loss, my grief, my tears, my void, my loneliness, my pain. BUT I pray that you will never understand.