When I lost my son David I was so sad. Many told me that I must see a therapist in order to feel better. They told me that I was depressed. I told them that I was not depressed but that I was in deep sorrow and pain. After nagging me so much I began to believe them. So I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and went to see him for about a year once a week. Initially I thought that he was going to cure me. I thought that there was a solution that would release me from the pain. I thought that he had the answers that would make me feel better.
Every time that I went to see him, he would ask me: "How are you feeling today?" I would go over my pain and sorrow and unbelief over and over again and he would listen. After each session I would feel a bit better, but the feeling did not last as the pain returned again and again. So one day I decided to express how I feel and I wrote the following:
"I feel the anger and the rage
that I am almost experiencing on a daily basis which seems to sap all my
energy. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. My heart is bruised and is
bleeding. My soul is raging within. I feel a thick black veil covering my
bleeding heart. I feel crushed and trodden over. I feel empty, lost and in a
vacuum in this world. I do not know who I am at times. I feel displaced and
that I do not belong here on the earth. I feel the sorrow dragging its way
through days and returns with the same routine of hopeless agony. I feel
sadness and heaviness of soul. I feel the sorrow the minute I wake up. This
sorrow is beyond consolation. I feel the darkness of despair and deep loneliness.
I feel so alone in my sorrow and desperate in my pain. I feel abandoned,
without strength or responsibility. I could be among a million people and still
feel lonely. This emptiness that I feel is awful. I feel like yelling “NO”. I
feel less than nothing at times. I feel humbled by death. I feel that I am
brought to a place of despair, of nothingness. I miss the special love that
David gave me and the unconditional approval that I felt with him. I never felt
less than I am with him, but always more than I was. He made me feel special. I
feel the brutal pain that grips my soul like a claw and does not let go. I feel
like dying at times. I feel like crying on a daily basis and the tears flow
continuously. My eyes hurt and are often swollen. I feel sorry for myself. I
feel fatigued even before the day has begun. I feel anxious, sick and weak. My
guts experience butterfly feelings and I shake at times. My muscles feel like
rubber. Sometimes I can hardly breathe."
After I realized that there is no cure to my pain and sorrow, I decided to quit seeing the therapist. I realized that talking to anyone who would listen is very helpful in easing some of the pain. So why pay for therapy when you can get the same effect by talking to someone else who would listen?
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