Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Does Time heal?

Terence, the Roman poet, said: “Time is the great healer, a sure assuager of human sorrow.” Many people seem to agree with him as they have told me after David died that time will heal. It has been thirteen years now and I decided to write about what time does. Can time really heal the deep gash that a parent gets when the parent loses a child?

Some of my hopes and dreams are dead and buried from my sight forever. These cannot be changed by time. My son will never marry and bear children. My son will never call me again. My son will never visit me again. My son vanished and time cannot bring him back.

The feeling of sorrow cannot be healed by time. Time seems to dull what I feel but it does not change what I feel. It has allowed me to get used to the new life without my son but has not allowed me to be consoled that he is gone. The days go on and my emptiness continues without my son. Time has not taken away my tears and my pain. Time has not removed my longing for my son or has taken away my loneliness. What time did was increase the intervals between episodes of pain and tears. I still feel the same intensity of pain. The tears still flow and in fact my eyes leak continuously with tears at any reminder of my son. Although these reminders continue to touch my heart with pain, I want to remember them over and over again as memories of him make my life worth living. However, the frequency of what I call “fits of despair” have decreased for which I am thankful. What has increased instead is the longing and the missing. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Why do I continue to be sad?

It is because my very soul refuses to give up David. He is a part of me and yet he is absent physically. I think of him on a daily basis and my soul rages over not being able to hold him, hug him or touch him. I think of the way things used to be and I cling to those memories. I look at his pictures and my heart melts. The void is real. The loneliness is real. The despair is real. The love is real. Yet I manage to go on daily as if nothing has changed.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Why do I garden?

When David died I went crazy and cried without stopping. I wailed and yelled and would not be consoled. Everything was dark and there was no hope to go on. When I was in deep despair I would go out for a walk or try to garden. I designed a new garden and named it “David’s Garden”.  I would dig in the dirt and just get lost in the beauty of nature. Gardening connected me to God and to my son. Flowers dissipated the gloom within my soul and brought sudden joy through my downcast spirit. They put on a glow of many colors, all dressed in beauty and wonder. The air was all perfume from their scent. People walk by and admire the garden and I get to talk to them about my son. 

Monday, August 1, 2016

How do I feel after years of loss?

I still wake up every morning realizing that something is missing in my life. I wake up sad. I still cannot believe that David is gone forever. It is a nightmare. It is the biggest disaster of my life. I keep asking the question “How could this have happened to us?” I wish that I had a chance to say goodbye. Once in a while my heart skips a beat. There is a moment of fear that comes now and then. I continue to see his image in my mind. Oh how I wish that I had not lost him. I want him back so badly. I know that I cannot have him, but I continue to wish anyway.