Why do I continue to be sad?

It is because my very soul refuses to give up David. He is a part of me and yet he is absent physically. I think of him on a daily basis and my soul rages over not being able to hold him, hug him or touch him. I think of the way things used to be and I cling to those memories. I look at his pictures and my heart melts. The void is real. The loneliness is real. The despair is real. The love is real. Yet I manage to go on daily as if nothing has changed.
 https://topicsingrief.blogspot.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Topics-Grief-woman-who-lost/dp/1480224898/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1461776190&sr=8-1&keywords=topics+in+grief

I dare not

Whenever I see someone that I have not seen for a while, their only comment is that I look good. It is as if I am supposed to look like a rag because I lost my son. Often people ask me as to how I am feeling. I say that I am fine. It is because I am afraid to tell them otherwise as I would fear that they would use the lingo that I am “stuck in my grief” or I am “not letting go” or that “I should see someone”.  I do not dare tell them about the excruciating pain that visits me on a daily basis. I dare not talk about my swollen eyelids due to the continual leaking of tears on a daily basis. I dare not talk about the deep sense of loss and void that surrounds me. I dare not express the loneliness that fills my heart and soul on a daily basis. I dare not talk about the feelings of despair that come and go. I dare not talk about feeling dislodged from this earth with no roots to hold me down. I dare not talk about the deep longing of being reunited with my son.

More Diary Notes

This was written in my early days of grief in 2004

I am really despondent today and have some anger. I can’t imagine living like this till the day I die. It has been such a struggle and challenge. I am tired of pretending and philosophizing. It does not work. It is telling me that I can make it if I think this way or think of the eternal when everything that surrounds me is temporal and I live in a tangible world and I have to think of the unseen. I am really all confused and full of doubt. Faith is based on the unseen. It is so easy for someone who has not suffered such a loss to judge my faith and it has been judged many a time. Only the Lord knows my heart and knows how much I am hurting. I feel like a knife is cutting my heart out at times. Today is no good. The world around me is full of life and yet I feel dead on the inside. I want David to see the flowers that I am seeing and I want him to participate in this life. I am so void. I am so empty and so lonely and so messed up at this moment. This is not the way one must live. I am so stupid to deprive myself of the joy of this life knowing full well that there is nothing that I can do to change the unchangeable and yet I continue to feel sad. I really cannot change how I feel in an instant. It is not magic. It is a process of accepting and not accepting what happened until it sinks into my brain that life could be good again. Maybe someday I will feel like myself again. Yet I know that my grief will never be lost.

Thoughts About The Loss

I gave this article to my colleagues before returning to teach after a semester off. It might be something that some of you, who have recently lost a child, could use.

I wish that David had not died and I want him back so badly. He was very important to me. I hope that you will not be afraid to speak his name. If I cry when you talk about David, it isn’t because you have hurt me. David’s death is the cause of my tears. I will be grateful if you will allow me to talk about him and to share my grief. Grieving is the hardest job that I will ever do. It is exhausting. Grieving is not contagious. Please do not shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I know that you think and pray for me often. Please let me know through a phone call, a note or a hug. I wish that you would not think that my grief will be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me. I hope that you will understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of David until the day I die. I will never not remember him, ever. I am trying hard to recover, but you need to understand that I will never fully recover, and will always miss David and will always grieve that he is dead. I am not asking for pity. I just want you to let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I struggle daily and might be doing OK, but I do not feel OK. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness is what I am experiencing which are normal reactions to grief. David believed in hope. He often said to me “mom, hope is a good thing, it is the best of things, and good things never die.” I hope that you will understand when I might be quiet, withdrawn, and cranky or irritable. I was told to “take one day at a time”. I would be doing well if I can handle one hour at a time or one moment at a time. Grief has changed me. I am not the same person I was before I lost David, and I will never be that person again. I wish that you would understand my loss, my grief, my tears, my void, my loneliness, my pain. BUT I pray that you will never understand.

Choosing Life

I continue to mourn a most valuable and beloved son. I continue to have a yearning affection and heart felt affliction towards him. Agonies of grief and unequaled anguish continue. The loss is beyond measure. It is aggravated by months and years of void. Months and years fly away and nothing allows joy to stay and no curtain can shut sorrow away. Without David’s presence the earth is empty. My soul cannot be content any longer in this world. My soul bleeds with anguish. I often experience my silent sorrow bursting with loud laments. I weep and refuse to be comforted. I am surprised that religion does not seem to console at times and at other times it is the only consolation that allows me to survive.  I treasure the memories. These memories are like a fund which is inexhaustible and which supplies all my wants by keeping my son alive. These memories are rich, they are happy and they are a gift.

What can I do with all the days and hours that are left before I can see David’s face again? I can live in the past and cheat myself of the present. Or I can embrace life looking forward to eternity with him. I choose the latter.