Friday, July 31, 2015

Losing a Child Distinguishes Me from Every Parent Who has not Lost a Child

Having lost David distinguishes me from every parent who has not lost a child. These parents are fortunate and do lack my perspective on life. They do not know how I feel. They mean well, but they just do not know. They tell me to be strong. They tell me that they feel for me. They tell me that the pain will dull. They tell me that my son had gone to a better place. They don’t know that I want David here and not somewhere else even though it may be a better place. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want people to give me any advice. They cannot unless they have had a similar experience.

There is an absence and a horrible silence in the house. There is a longing for David beyond description. There will never be the same happiness in my life as before until I hold David again someday. People ask me if I am still going to therapy. As if therapy is going to work like magic, which is going to take my pain away. I realize now that nothing works. How could it? How could anything work when my life blood is taken? How could I become whole again? I might reach a stage where I will get better, but I will never be the same complete person as before. I know it. I feel it in my soul.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

God and God Alone

Shortly after David died, fear gripped my soul that people will forget him. As time passes I am realizing that he cannot be forgotten as the mere presence of my person seems to remind them of the loss. However, they choose not to remember him as they refuse to even mention his name.

I am at a turning point in my life where I try not to talk about David to close friends and relatives to the level that I used to.  I want them to think that I am over my loss, yet by doing so I hurt more and feel so alone. I feel more comfortable with strangers and with other parents who share a similar loss.  I have a great sense of sadness and overwhelming sorrow because I feel that they are burying my son over and over again. When someone dies, his spirit and life remain alive in our hearts and memories. Why should we therefore act as if they never existed? There is a healing effect in bringing them up and mentioning their names. Yet I feel intimidated or maybe that I am doing the wrong thing when I mention his name, or his age or his birthday or his anniversary, or the number of years that he has been gone.  I am realizing that God and God alone understands my thoughts and I can communicate with Him at any moment.  “Behold I know your thoughts”.  Job 21:27